The Amazing SEAblog

i wish you all

2007-06-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

liked him. knew him. anything close to either of those would be nice, you know. it saddens me to hear your opinions based on thirty-eight second conversations about nothing. especially if you were antagonizing him. then you say "as an adult he should be well equipped to overcome such statements" thats not a particularly adult thing to say either. how can you be so quick to judge? why don't you trust my judgment even? you know i'm smart, and i don't just go on whims-most of the time. and if this were on a whim, don't you think it would be over by now?

are you sure you're not just being selfish? wanting me back and laying your opinions out there over and over again about how there is nothing out here for me, and everything for me over there? i have the right to make my own life decisions, and i should have the support of my friends. its not sin, so why do you relay it back to me in a way to make it sound like i'm being childish and wasting my life? i don't do that to you, any of you. you do what you want, and i support you in it because i believe your desires are important and valid, even if i wouldn't choose them for myself or don't understand them. you should be happy for me, instead you just make me feel bad, sometimes even guilty, but i am NOT guilty of anything. man, so i don't have it all figured out, i'm not pursuing some snazzy degree, making money, with some millionaire/lead guitarist or whatever you want. but i am learning how to function in the world, and how to say "enough" and discovering what i want and trying to make realistic goals of how to get there. i just want to love and please God, and be with someone who wants the same. i don't want to sit in portland the rest of my life and do nothing. i love it there, and i love you all, but i love God, and i love people and places, and architecture and history, and love. i want to travel and minister to people, show them the love of Christ, see where Christ was, get greater understanding and appreciation. i know i'm not doing a whole lot of that now, but God will make me bold, he will make me strong, he will make a way. God always gets his will.

the point is, i'm hurt that i don't have your support, all i have are your opinions, which don't line up with my own.

he is good to me, you know. he is a gentleman, he watches his mouth, walks me to my car, and is respectful of my body and purity. he steals my heart when he is protective of me and my reputation. he is so sweet, he tells me how he feels about me, tells me of my beauty, and even so, where my real worth comes from, or at least, who it comes from. he loves the Lord his God, and does all he knows to, to please and serve him. i can't tell you how much i admire that, it breaks my heart sometimes, because i don't often see that in people anymore. he wants to know God and God's truth so bad, it stirs me to be more passionate. sometimes he is strange, but all the more mysterious and enticing because of it. his mind works differently than mine. he has a wealth of information stored up, sometimes it leaks out and i learn, sometimes it eats at him and i am moved to compassion, sometimes it shows itself through his actions, so different from my own, and i begin to see certain things differently than i knew how before. true, sometimes he is awkward, sometimes aggravated, unhappy, cynical, sometimes he even needs alone time, ooooooooo its not the end of the world though, i can handle it, and if we have good communication and are open to one another still during those times, why are they bad? everyone has those feelings sometimes. don't pass judgment, it isn't fair, and much less is it accurate.

hoohaa

2007-06-08T22:32:00.000-07:00

i love reading my old blogs. i think i've mellowed out a bit...and i'm not quite sure i like that, but maybe its just me "growing up"? nah, i think it's mostly just because i never write anything anymore. but guess who??? it's mine and jef's 6 month anniverser today!!!! i'm sure everyone is jumping up and down and wetting their pantalonies and all that, but hey, i'm excited, so don't be a poopsnack. i think my verymostfavorite quote from my past blogs having to do with jef (out of those i read in the last 15 minutes) was "Ok. Enough of me being cynical, I need to see this how God sees it. So do you, before I kick you. Quit being so cynical. There is balance." and the rest of that paragraph from june of last year (towards the bottom). haha, i crack myself up. i miss my violent tendancies. im sure all of you do as well. hark ye, worry not, i shall strike again. i really don't have time for this right now. i am shaking my hiney off cause my roommate likes air conditioning. i mean, who in their right mind actually likes air conditioning in the middle of june no less. ps(h)ycos. i tell ya. and i have a daaaaaaaate tomorrow :D sho happy... and guess who with?? thats right, my squishmonkey :D i just made that one up. its quite sad really. i have been dreadfully uncreative in coming up for names for him. i think i was put off at one point years and years ago when he told me he was not attracted to his own cheeks, and due to this information, as badly as i wanted to, i stopped myself from calling him "sweetcheeks" and thus abruptly put an end to my creative abilities. until today MUUUAAAAHAHAHAHA! squishmonkey it is, and you know it not yet :P tomorrow you shall find out in public and slink your head back into your shirt like a turtle due to embarrassment. don't worry, its good for you. plus i'm sure you'll actually be relieved. i probably will too. well, for futures sake, so i remember my life: i currently live with melanie, and have since february, work at peets again to prove to myself and the world that in the buissness setting i am really not a "high risk individual" and despite my extreme lack of money (even after my newly found hobby of dumpster diving and discretely selling my treasures) i am off to the land of my youth for a week of delirium involving my whole family and lots of rahal as she prepares to be a wifey. i need sleep. the end. ps, nix that thing i said about "mellowing out" i definitely was right the second time.

$14.62 extra for me for no reason...or death.

2006-08-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

Sooo, today was a bit odd. I woke up planning on going to water world with the fam, but at around noon I was informed that they were all leaving for Wyoming today instead of tomorrow. I changed, and I dried my hair and left a few hours later with no real plans other than spending my target gift card on toiletries and whatever else I could find, which for once happened to be nothing. I then searched high and low for a camera store for much longer than necessary, seeing as how Wolf Camera is right across the street from the Denver West Target. I got me a spendy little battery for my camera and took a whole entire one picture, can you believe it? Yeah. Well, I don't want to waste my film. Or something. Then I drove down Colfax looking for one of those odd Colorado car washes where you actually have to wash your own car, but I decided to be picky and only go to one on my side of the street. Oddly enough, all of the car washes were on the opposite side of the street, so after driving for about 25 minutes I finally decided to give in to the left side. Here is where my odd experience began. I knew I was in an undesirable part of town, so I sat in my car for a sec to oganize all of my stuff and get my dollars out to get changed into coins for the machine, when a man came up and knocked on my window. He was a middle aged man, and didn't look harmful, so I opened my door. My first thought was that he worked there and was going to tell me that certain bay wasn't working or something. Instead hepointed to his blazer and told me e was dead out of gas, his car wouldn't even start. He asked if I had any gas and of course I didn't so I said no but I offered to go get some. He took up my offer and as I went to get back in my car he shoved a twenty my way. I laughed and said "why don't I just go get a can of gas and you pay me when I get back?" He said, "no, just take it to pay for it" and we went back and forth like eight times and then I said " I don't want to take it because what if you're not here when I get back? What if someone else helps you, you don't want me just running with your mmoney..." But he assured me that he would be there when I got back, and told me that this was a very bad part of town and he was happy that I was so nice, and that he was sorry I had o be in this part of town for longer than I had planned. I went to a gas station and got me a can and a gallon of gas and arrived at the wash about ten minutes after I left to find nooooo trace of the man. I was really confused. I walked aroung a bit, and called a friend, and while I was on the phone saw a blazer stop on a side street for a sec...I am wondering if that was him seeing if I really had come back or not. I don't know whether to fear for my life cause he set me up for something, or to feel blessed by a random nice stranger in the equivelent of the bronx...

The rest of my day was fairly boring and I have a headache from watching tv for the last 3 hours. I am going to stop now.

2006-06-26T01:19:00.000-07:00

My heart hurts. It seems like it should only be for one reason, but really I can't even begin to understand how many there really are. You are at the center of it though. Maybe that's not even true. Maybe I just want to think that. Maybe it's just that a majority of the reasons it hurts are somehow manifested in you. Maybe I'm making that up. Maybe you even make it up. Maybe we all make it up. I want truth. Tonight for some reason my lines got blurred, there wasn't even any one event that I would think to have that effect on me, but as I thought and tried to connect dots in my mind, it seemed the opposite thing happened. I thought I knew things about how the world works and why things are the way they are, and what is good and what is bad and how we could make things better, or how I could. I thought I knew what love was, or at least what caring was, and I even thought I was pretty good at it. I guess I am good at being a manipulative monster who controls people into what I think is the best for a person to make me feel better.

I wish we could just go home now, you're right, it's hard to be optomistic. Do I really do it all for myself? Kill me now. I thought I cared about people, I thought I cared about you. Is compassion bad? How can you love someone and not have compassion on them? Not want the best for thier life? Not want to help them and care for thier brokenness? What is love if having compassion is either looking down on them or some form of satisfying your own desire to be needed? I don't understand how to love. I don't understand what you would feel or where your heart would be if it is real love. The bible doesn't ever say love is a feeling though, come to think of it. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails. I don't particularly like how more than half of those are what love isn't. I don't want to know what it's not like, I want to know what it is. Is it not selfless to give of your time and heart and life to see another person see the heart of the Father in a new way? Why is that tainted? Can you ever even do anything that is not tainted? If we can't, then how is God ever going to have his way in any situation? I think I'd kill us too. It makes me sick thinking about it. If helping someone is just as tainted and Godless as hurting them, why even bother helping them? How can God use us, we are so vile.

What does God want, and what are we realistically capable of inside of ourselves ? I believe God for big picture stuff, but for some reason right now I can't believe in the purification of any one person. We can't live pure, right? I mean, sooner or later we are going to mess something up and taint whatever God wants to do through us. Why does he use us still, knowing we are going to somehow ruin what he is doing? Why are we all so broken? I used to think being broken without being fixed was a bad thing, but what is it to be poor in spirit? How long must you mourn before you are comforted? Is that a lifestyle? Is it the kind of lifestyle God wants? Why is the line between that and agreeing with the enemy so thin? I am going to look this stuff up in my concordance tomorrow but I am tired.

"Fortunate, receiving God's favor, good, happy and blessed are those who are of few resources, who are culturally considered oppressed, despised and miserable, who are not lacking in spirit but have the positive moral quality of humility, realizing they have nothing to offer God, but are in need of free gifts in their spirit, heart, mind and the immaterial part of the inner person that can respond to God, for theirs is the harmless rash of YAHWEH, the one true God who exsists and causes exsistance, whom they have personal or covenant relationship with who strengthens and builds a base and mast for them." Thats prettymuch what my concordance says for mt. 5:3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Most of it makes sense, but I can't for the life of me find out what a "harmless rash" really means from the Hebrew. Webster says harmless means: "Not causing or incapable of causing harm. Not intended to harm or offend; inoffensive. Free from loss or legal liability. Not producing any toxic effects. Not threatening to life or health." Rash is: "Characterized by or resulting from ill-considered haste or boldness. Quick in producing a strong or marked effect." So apperently "kingdom" in this sense means to in a very hasty or bold way produce a strong marked effect not intended to and downright incapable of causing harm, offending, producing toxic effects, or threatening life or health. Hmm. I am having a hard time grasping this. so this is the kingdom...is the character of God the Kingdom? I am so confused as to how to put this together. It doesn't seem to fit there. If you are poor in spirit...you end up with this, the character of God because of his favor on you? hmm. Then I go back to the whole no one's capable of perfection thing and then it makes less sense then it already did.

Ok. Enough of me being cynical, I need to see this how God sees it. So do you, before I kick you. Quit being so cynical. There is balance. Of course we can't be perfect, and of course we can't do everything that God wants us to in the way that he wants all the time. That's why there is grace. We are capable of doing pure things, when we live in the new man it's not really us that live but him in us. Maybe we can't do it for long spurts of time, but like everything else, you get better as you practice. You can't just say that eventually you will screw something up and/or taint it and so just not try for it. For those few moments that you choose to walk in the new man God is changing others and He is changing you. It gets easier to stay there longer the more times you attempt it. I'm not done yet. I hope you read this.

Aneurysms and what Started Out as Dr. Seuss...

2006-05-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

So I got two and a half hours of sleep last night. And I didn't shower today for the first time in like 4 months. Aren't you proud (I feel disgusting)? I saw the sunrise out my *picture* window...beautiful color the sky was...and then went to bed. Oddly enough, I wasn't tired most of the day today. I successfully drove small children to practices and games and gas stations without killing a-one. I suppose that's really horrible of me to make light of it. I am an irresponsible person and I have no idea why they continue to let me nurture their children. I suppose you don't have to be responsible to nurture though...so maybe it's not that odd. Child “B” had some fits today, they were quite hideous. They were messing around for like a half an hour and then I said "we are leaving in ten minutes" and child “B” asked, "are we coming back before my game?", which was conveniently 1 hour later than when we needed to drop child "A" off for his practice. I said "no", considering it takes us 20 minutes to get to each of the places we needed to go, aaaaaannd...he had a meltdown (he has recently become comfortable manifesting while I am in charge...he used to save it for his parents, but last week he resolved that I was worthy of his pandemonium and everlasting fire). Apparently it is immoral to put your soccer cleats on in the car, or at least it is utterly impossible.

*eww I deleted it*

It was a lot less charming and artsy than that thuur poem though. In times like those his whole head turns red, and he sabotages everything he possibly can. He screamed bloody murder till we got in the car, and then he blamed his brother for every little thing that ever went "wrong" in his life. And then I witnessed something I haven't ever before. They started hitting each other. Cat fight between the boys in the back seat. They don't even know how to fight...since they never do. I raised my voice. It didn't work. Then finally they stopped most of the rivalry, and I left well enough alone until child "A" safely exited the vehicle and we vacated the premises. Everything was dandy for a time. At child "B"'s game, I met another small child. A little girl. She was enthralled with me. She was about 3, her name was Miranda, and her favorite colors were "pink, bwuw, puwpwe, aaaand pink." We played roll (where we sit with our feet together and put all the soccer balls we can find in between and role them around eternally and will for absolutely no reason allow anyone who owns one of those balls to so much as look at it without severe disciplinary action) and we played restaurant, and crab fight...because all they had at the restaurant was crab, and they weren't boiled yet, and they liked to eat human hair. Mostly mine. And we played "don't cwap when aww da aduwts cwap becawse we awe to bizzy to pay attentun to da sawwcuh game" She was a little on the obsessed with world domination side, but cute none the less. She attached to my leg when I was about to leave, and wants a play date...or at least wants me to be her babysitter when I am not nic's babysitter, because she doesn't like "boys cawwd nic".

When we got home, child "B" had another melt down because of a computer game. I explained what an aneurysm is, and how it just isn't healthy to deal with his anger in such destructive ways. We discussed healthy alternatives, and he mellowed out a bit. The rest of the day was spent as their own personal theatric musical. Song and dance are never absent in our house.

Last night I lost four hundred and twenty brain cells. It was a sad, sad death, but I must move on. There were adverse affects on other areas of my body though. I don't know what I did to my left shoulder, but the closest assessment I can come up with is that I dislocated it some small degree. It hurt like a mom. I normally have right shoulder problems, but this was with the left, and it was poopy. It popped today though, and feels a bit better, but still not top-notch.

This is probably either the most boring post you've ever read or the most frighteningly freebased sounding post I have written...anyway, I am zonking out...sooo...that's my cue to go.

movies and books and games

2006-05-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

So yesterday it hailed the size of nickel's--only sphere like--of course. That was interesting. It was probably the most eventful thing that happened in like 2 or 3 days. Actually that's not true. I watched American History X for the first time the other day. I am undecided as to how I feel about it. It is an intense movie, but I think some of the acting was a little lame, and I found there to be a lack of sufficient plot/background for certain events that occurred. Mostly the end. Daniel never touched the guy as far as I knew, so I don't get why he shot him. In school none the less. It's not like the black kid could get away and enjoy his life without Daniel or anything, he had to go to jail cause how the crap would you kill a kid in a school bathroom with one way out and not get caught immediately? Anyway, I don't know how to describe how I feel about it other than it was intense and sadly true in certain areas and I guess I liked it.

I am reading Brave New World atm (rahal I hope you're proud) and it is interesting as well. I'm only in chapter 4, and I'm sad to admit (but I'll do it anyway just to spite my pride) that there have already been like 20 words that I have no clue what they mean. I started a list, and I'ma look them up so I can get smart somehow ;) That guy cracks me up. I also just finished Captivating. I think that is the first book I have read all the way through since like 10th grade...how sad is that. I just get bored towards the middle of books, I don't know why. I think I have ADHD. I think I just never noticed it before cause I was around all you Portland crazies =P Hopefully I can read BNW all the way through too, cause I am getting tired of this getting dumber crap. Then I need to read like Fahrenheit 451 or East of Eden or something that everyone should have read by my age already. Maybe it's not to late to grow a brain. Maybe I won't need kid sized sunglasses anymore.

Ok, so toooooodaaaaay...guess what I get to do??? I am going to the "16th st. Mall" downtown, which isn't really a mall for those of you in Portland who have no idea what I'm talking about, it's just a street...with free buses and restaurants and crap. Anyway, you wanna know why I'ma go there? Cause I'm going to play capture the flag for like 2 hours with 400 people!!!!!! YEAH!!! That will probably be the most fun thing I have done here thus far. Hopefully we don't get rained all upons, but even if we do it will just remind me more of home. Well, that doesn't start for like two and a half hours, but I'm gonna leave now anyway cause I need to buy shampoo before I start to stink. Cheer me ON!

heh, woops.

2006-05-03T01:25:00.000-07:00

Oh man. I crack myself up. So now I just got done reading aaaaaall of my blogs at 2:30 in the morn-hing...and I am still bright tailed and bushy eyed cause last night I was up listening to political ramblings till about this same hour at the "Xavier house". There should be one of those in Portland. I shuppose the closest thing would be the Mullet's, save that house is all upons the girls, and this one is all upons the guys. There is a mysterious character who lives in the basement though. I am told it is a "he," but his name is Dee (which seems unprecedentedly suspiciously feminine to me) and I have yet to have a run-in with this illusive fellow.

Yeah, so anyway, there really were two points to this blog. Numero Uno was that uh...yeah...if you haven't read my blogs, or it's just been a while, it would without a doubt heighten your spirits to a soaring altitude and let you in on the death-defying dullness that is my life. If you are looking for a laugh, I guarantee at least one and three quarters, but if I said any more, I might be overestimating because there is an overwhelming chance that the only reason I find them funny is because I wrote them. I would, however, greatly appreciate it if you arvadians and denverites and littletonians and whonots and blue fish and red fish and anyone else cat in the hat like would read just sos you can get some background on the newly transplanted moi. If you don't care to know anything about me, then feel free to skip the blogs ;)

Numero Dos (or however you spell it) is that...uh...yeah...I was wrong. Frighteningly wrong. Disturbingly wrong. Violently wrong almost. It disturbs me. It makes me feel like I never observed the city I dwelt in for my whole life, save the last 4 months. My dog is snoring vigorously. But that is a side thought. The point is, the Denver metroplex is actually only 300,000 people larger than Portland metro area. I was informed earlier tonight that Portland is roughly two million people, and Denver is roughly two million three hundred thousand people. This information baffled me. I had no idea. I could have sworn that Denver was at least twice the size of Portland. I obviously have very poor perception of things, and for that I am truly sorry. Merry May Day two days ago to all, and to all a good night.

3 Monthers and a day

2006-05-02T22:30:00.001-07:00

Wow. So I just read all the old blogs I wrote since I moved here. I was such a wreck when I got here. Man am I glad those days were over. I guess it is time for me to start writing not only to y'all back in da p-town, but all of you here at "home" too. I have mixed feelings about a mistake I made the other day. I was talking to some people (very late at night might I add) and I was saying something about how Denver differs from home, and when I went to reference Portland I said "back home in Denver" and I almost shocked my bum off the couch. I think it's good cause at least I am not the squished oddball wincey banana mite I was when I first got here, but at the same time it's such an odd numbing feeling almost...I feel like I am numb to Portland or something...like it's just another city that maybe I have visited but not really anyplace special. That makes me want to vomit because I HIGHLY do NOT want to feel that way. I miss all my babe's back in p-town, but if I was to come back right now I would feel weird. I don't feel completely at home here yet, but I know I wouldn't feel quite right there either. I am trying to be ok, and I think it will get oodles better once I move and get a new job at the end of the summer.

Some of you may have heard that I am planning to go to school here. Well, that was the plan to some extent, but plans change. I do want to go to school, don't get me wrong, but I also don't want to pay six grand for one term of community college. I hopefully can start in winter term of this year, because I am thinking I'll be eligible for instate then. If not, it will have to wait till 2008. For those of you who don't know, I am no longer pursuing the pointless interior Design/Decorating degree, but I hope to go to Community College of Denver for a Human Services Degree. It's just an associates, but it should only take me 3 more terms, and it's better than nothing. Hopefully after that I can do some form of social work, but not like most of the ineffective crap that is run by the state.

The plan for now is to get a place at the end of summer with some other girls from the church, either in Denver or in Arvada (a little west of Denver where the church is for those of you who don't know) and the sweetest amazement of all amazements for a job. There is currently one Peet's huur, and hey check it: I was looking at craigslist yesterday, and they are opening another one!!! Really close to the church too, like maybe 4 or 5 miles away. So that is definitely an option...it would be like reuniting with my mum after a fight that caused us not to talk for like a month afterwards or something. Oh the sweet nectar of love. Anyway, the other option is (please don't get all skunk-like and think I am a superficial freak...unless you already thought that...but this should have no bearing on your opinion) working at a M.A.C. counter. I don't really know why, but I have always wanted to work there. I don't exactly have reasons, other than I like M.A.C. cause that’s what my mum wears and that's mostly what I wear if I can afford it, and I like the people who worked at the Washington square Nordstrom’s one. I don't know why, I mean, you think that being from the west side they would be jerks, but they were all very genuine and sweet...and pretty. Even the guys. I don't know...I really have a heart for the gay community, and so I really want to work with some gay people. I miss my Cory. =( Anyway, those all sound like way bizarre reasons but hey...so I'm not good at explaining myself sometimes...I just know I would like to work there, and perhaps avoid the food & drink scene for a while. Oh, and the small child scene too. They aren't actually moving closer to town this summer either, so that being as large of a factor as it is to me; I decided that there is prettymuch no reason or incentive for me to stay with them past the end of summer.

Don't get me wrong, I do like my job...to some degree. I am very grateful for it, and for the benefits I have, but I absolutely ABHORE the drive to get to anywhere I desire to be, and to be honest it feels like I am still living with my parents sometimes. They don't give me rules or anything, but I still feel like I must behave in a certain "daughter-like" manner, which I am quite tired of to say the least. Also, living here, it seems like even when I am "off" I should still be doing stuff. Like even if my aunt is home I feel like I should be the one plunging the toilet that her child clogged, and that I should be vacuuming or doing something productive while she watches. That's kind of ridiculous, I know, because I am a nanny, not a maid, but crimony, it's hard for me to lounge around when my "boss" is standing right there...and especially when she is doing something. Like, if she is cleaning, I feel like crap because "I probably should have done that before so she didn't have to do it now". It's crap. At the same time, I can't complain cause I get free rent, a free car, and I get to come back home a lot more than I would at any other job.

The next time I am coming home actually is like june 3rd or 4th through june 13th I think. Something like that. My aunt is off like the 1st through the 13th, so I can come home as long as I want. I mostly want to be there for rahal's graduation :) and mooberry and pete and annie and omar and all the sweets I know from OC's grad too. I am currently thinking that they are the 6th for Clackamas, and the 12th for OC, so ah, one of y'all tell me if you have any differing observations. And SOMEONE FROM OC BETTER BE GIVING ME A FREAKING TICKET. Or you will die. I can't not see my brothers graduate. If it comes to it, just copy some more. My sister copied hers on regular printer paper, and they let all her peeps in...

After that I should arrive in da p-town like oh...somewhere around my birthday if I can bat my eyelashes enough at my aunty to allow it to happen. That's like the end of July for those of you who don't know. Now, Mullets, I know you are planning your beach trip sometime...and I would like to ask, if at all possible, that you would schedule it during a time which I might be able to attend. There would be nothing I would love more than to spend a week or however long with all my loves at the flippin BEACH since we don't HAVE one. I miss water. And slight amounts of humidity. And rain. Especially on the roof at night, and running down the gutters. It's too quiet here.

After that, I will be quitting my job at the end of August, so I will fly back probably on the 1st of sept. I will then reinstate my insurance on my car that I didn't sell, and after my mum's, and possibly my pop's birthday(s) I will be taking me a road trip back to da Denver "metroplex". I prefer not to have to make this trek alone, so if you wanna come, lemme know. It will start somewhere around the 5th most likely, but may start as late as the 12th. Lemme know what works for you so I can plan around some other peeps. I'm going to want to take my stuff too, so if anyone has a truck or something that you wouldn't mind using as my entourage for 2 days to a week, also let me know ;) Thanks. I'ma stop this now cause it’s 12:45 in the am.

2006-02-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

K guys, this might be a quickie...but yeah, I am having fun out here and I made a few friends at the Vineyard church and the whole church is really pretty awesome. I have been hanging out with people from there a little bit, and I have to tell you it is amazingly hard because Denver is like 4 time the size of portland at least. The closest person to me is 50 minutes away, and my friend Renee it took me an hour and 5 minutes to get to her house the other day...and that was when there was no traffic...We might be moving though! My uncle was gonna have to be based in Chicago, but now there is an opening here in Denver and if they give it to him (which there is no reason they should not) then that means they would have no reason to move to any other city. That means we would move here because they are unhappy with the school system out in this county and they sre getting tired of having to drive an hour anytime they have to go to work. We are probably gonna move somewhere around Lakewood/Arvada/Youngfield/Ken Caryl/Wheat Ridge. Me being the person I am have already been scoping out houses for us. I have found things that I would die for, but I don't think my aunt has the same idea I do, and she doesn't want to sacrifice space for hottness...that makes me sad. OUr house now is roughly the size of Rahal and Kaneeta's house.

I am going to get my guitar today :) and I am gonna hang out with Renee and Ini, after that. Ini is amazing, she is a travel agent and guess what? She spends half her life in Portland :D She is sad though because she hates the weather and she has to prettymuch spend 3 days a week alone in a hotel. She said she doesn't really hang out with the other people who work with her so I think we need to show her some good southern hospitality ;)

I am coming home on sunday, just in time for the GREATEST SUPERBOWL IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!!!! And I am going to spend it with my dad :P I get to stay through the 15th, so you will have your fill of me for 10 whole days. I hope you enjoy it. Heh. I miss you guys all a lot and I will see you sometime next week!

Asians?

2006-01-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

Well...you know how I said I was gonna come out the 31st through the 4th? Um...I may be wrong. It's a long story. Let me start by saying IT'S GOING TO BE A STEELERS/SEAHAWKS SUPERBOWL!!!! My father is stoked :) My uncle is too...and he lives in Pittsburgh. Anyway, the plan was that my uncle was going to come out here for a visit on what just happened to be superbowl weekend, and now since it's everyone’s two favorite teams EVER he is trying to get tickets to it. That affects my plans cause, well, he was coming on most of the days I was going to be gone and my aunt needs another trip somewhere in the first half of February and she was not going to get it on those days. Now since my uncle might come after the Superbowl she might work the days I was going to come, and I will have to stay here to take care of the kiddies. I hope I can come for the superbowl though, because that is going to be my dad's favorite day for the next 5 years probably and I would love to spend it with him. I miss you guys all too, and I want to see you!!!

In other news, weird Asian people keep calling my house about my car and being all sketchy. Three people have called. The first was a woman who was all excited and wanted to come the next day but she never showed up, the second was a guy who could hardly speak English who wanted to just make an offer and he had never talked to either of my parents before or seen the car or anything. The third man I don't think was Asian. My mom said he was very nice and he was in love with my car. He thought the mileage and the price were good?! I mean I don't...he even wanted her to call him back if we got an offer on the car before he comes and looks at it, because he might want to make a higher offer :) so I hope that guy calls back.

Anyway, I ended up being able to go last night to the home group that is 45 minutes away from my house, and yeah, I got there...turns out its actually on Thursdays. That sucked. I wasted almost a half a tank of gas going there and back for no reason. It was amazing. At least I will be able to go more regularly now that it’s on Thursdays because the kids don’t have anything going on those days.

I will keep you guys posted on what the dates are I'm coming though. Habbagada.

I think I found a church :)

2006-01-23T15:09:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was good. I went to the Vineyard church...it's about 45 minutes away, but it was well worth the drive. The people there were friendly, and a lot of people introduced themselves to me and asked me a million questions. Most of the people there are in thier 20's or 30's, and the pastor is probably somewhere around 30 aswell. One of the girls named Skylar was really extremely sweet. She is 23 or 24 and she leads one of the small groups (they have like 6 even though there is less than 100 people in the whole church). She is a nanny too, but she isn't live in. She told me about herself and asked me questions and she introduced me to other people as her "friend". There are lots of emo kids there...heh...they are all early or mid twenties, probably finishing college or something. I didn't meet too many of them, but there are probably a good 20 people there that are under 25 that probably go to Skylar's small group, and hopefully I can befriend some peeps. Skylar gave me her # and told me we could go out for coffee or anything sometime if I wanted to.

I can't go to the small group this week cause its on a tuesday, and I have to stay home with Nic while my uncle takes Kris to cub scouts or something. And I can't go next week cause GUESS WHY...!!! I GET TO COME VISIT!!! Yes, it's true...the 31at I get to come home! It's a Tuesday, and I get to stay through that Saturday which is the 4th. Hopefully you guys all remember me and don't hate me by now like I had a dream about...but I miss you all and would love to see you :) I can't wait!

Anyway, I realized yesterday, after my amazing time at church, that I might be hindering the work God is trying to do in me and maybe even through me. I have had this mindset ever since before I left that I was going to come back at least by the end of the summer. I realized that this mindset is keeping me from giving myself fully to anything that could potentially happen here. I have chosen to keep a certain amount of distance between me and anything that I percieve as something I might come to enjoy or that I think would be even slightly painful to part from when I leave. I am not acting like this is my home now, but as though I am still just a visitor. Everytime I think I am alone I just think "well it's only for a little while and if I can just tromp through it then I can go back to Oregon and pretend like none of this ever happened". That is sooooo detramental. I can't learn anything that way. I am not leaning on God or what he wants, I am still just holding to what feels the most comfortable right now. I am not abandoned yet, I am fleeing from abandonment as much as I can.

The sermon yesterday was about hell. He talked about all the questions people ask him most frequently about hell, and one was "how can a good God send people to hell?" and I have heard that question and it's answer a million times, but really it's not because he wants to, it's because that's what the people want. We have free will, and we are the one's who choose over and over again to say "no" to God, so when we die we think we can go to heaven because we believe all the nice things about God, when really the whole time we kept saying "no" to him, we didn't want to be with him, so he gives us what we wanted. We don't have to be with him. But that's not what I want. I want to be with God, I want to say "yes" to him, and even though it's not always going to be the most comfortable thing, and even though what he conciders to be best wouldn't always be my first choice of what's best, I still need to say "yes". I don't know what he is going to do. I might come back i n two months, I might die in three, I might come back at the end of summer, or I might not come back at all. It doesn't really matter. No matter what I want, God is going to get his way. If I am not supposed to be here then he will find a way to get me back there, but if I am not supposed to be there, he will find a way to keep me here. There is no use fighting God, it's not going to get me anywhere, it will only weary me and get me further away from him until I am all alone on my own side with no one to fight for me. So as of yesterday I am going to try to give that all up. I am not going to act like I am coming home in 6-8 months. I am not going to act like anything, unless I feel like that's what God is really saying.

Look what happens when I leave!

2006-01-18T21:17:00.000-08:00

Well. I don't know why, but it seems that whenever I leave, some one I care about has to get sent to the hospital. It pisses me off. Maybe it means I'm good luck though? :P No, I know it doesn't. Anyway, so for those of you who don't know or who haven't found Chaz's blog yet, he got in an accident yesterday. Some white trash punk in a beefy car decided they didn't feel like stopping at the RED light that Chaz was so obediently stopped at with his baby boy in the back seat, doing his best to take perfect care of him. Anywho, the jerks smashed right into him and shoved "the chariot" into the car in front of them. I want to punch that man. Chaz saw them in the mirror, so he braced himself-which btw is the WORST thing you can do because then all your muscles and ligaments and all that other stuff inside is tense and doesn't "go with the flow" it just ends up tearing or whatever. So basically his left arm gave out, and its hurting him bad, his back and neck hurt, and he slammed his chest into the steering wheel, and that is what is bothering him the most. Luckily Cruz is fine though, not even whiplash I guess. The car is totaled and they both went to the hospital to make sure nothing was wrong. Chaz, however, decided to go against the recommendations of the doctor's and signed papers saying that's exactly what he did, and he didn't get x-rays!!! So now he is in EMMENCE pain, and his chest is all bruised up and he can't breath and he's feeling it all even through all the vikidin he is on...I told him to go back to the hospital today, but he didn't of course. He apparently thought he could "sleep it off". Boys. His mom made an appointment for him Friday to go to the family doctor though...hopefully they can bump it up to tomorrow. I just hope and pray nothing is broken and that he would have peace and quick healing and wisdom for the doctor's to know what to do to make it better as quick as possible. Well, anywho, I talked to Chaz a long time last night, and I am sure many of you know what's been going on lately (before I left), if not by me directly telling you, then through the grapevine, but we are official now :) Unfortunately he was all drugged up on vikidin or something when he asked, but he would have anyway. Yeah. So. That's that. Don't be too shocked or anything there, settle down now...heh.

So my boxes FINALLY came yesterday. I have been trying to figure out how I am going to decorate my room and bathroom. I bought some stuff, and picked out colors to paint, but I have to run them by my aunt tomorrow. She has been gone since Friday at zero dark thirty...and she is getting home in probably an hour. She said I could have free reign here with décor, but I want to paint the bathroom red, and it is quite small, so I don't know whether or not she is going to approve. I hope she does cause I already bought towels and a shower curtain and whatnot. I also had to spend HOURS packing all of my grandmother’s goodies. I didn't even have enough boxes (mostly cause I melted the two together, so it’s only able to be used as one now...) so I had to fill up a whole entire dresser with her stuff. Luckily I have a big closet, so I don't need the dresser. There is a bookshelf filled with all sorts of odd books and "MUZZY: a video language course" which teaches Spanish to like toddlers or something...I think I might try to learn since *someone* won't teach me it.

I am a bit scared that my aunt is coming back, cause as far as I can remember she told me that they had free unlimited long distance, but I asked my uncle about it the other day and he sounded like he didn't know that they did...I have probably spent about 6 or 7 hundred minutes on their phone since I got here...so I might be in for it :( I also didn’t apply for the coffee job she got me an application for. It’s the opposite way from their house that the freeway is though, and I don’t want to be that far in the middle of nowhere. I haven’t applied anywhere yet though…I think I am going to apply at Albertson’s tomorrow though…and as much as I would hate it, I might even apply at the Starbucks inside Albertson’s. I do need a second job though, cause since I am not going to school meeting people is very hard. I want to try a different Church on Sunday. It’s called Arvada Vineyard, and I figure you can’t really go wrong with a Vineyard. Their website is a bit lacking in info, but that just makes me think it is a small church which I would love. It‘s a bit more then a half an hour away, but I don’t mind the drive, I mean I used to do that in Portland too, so it’s not different. I just hope that if it is a small church there is at least someone there my age. They have small groups, and hopefully I could get connected to a good small group there that might be a bit closer. I also am thinking of trying to go to the Denver HOP. It’s pretty far away, but I would love to go there and get connected a bit, and maybe they could recommend a church to me incase this one doesn’t work out.

As far as hobbies go, I tried to knit today. I failed miserably. I casted on enough times to knit a whole entire scarf probably, but it would have been an ugly nasty one. I watched how-to’s on the net, but it didn’t help a whole lot. I couldn’t figure out what on earth I was doing wrong…I might try again tomorrow after I clean out my car and find out whether or not I can paint how I want, and pretend like I am going to go get a job. There is a Quizno’s too…maybe I should apply there? I will probably just eat there tomorrow and check out the people. Other then that there is a Home Depot, McD’s, Wal-Mart and creepy gas station a bit closer to the freeway, but I don’t particularly want to work at any of those places. I can’t wait to get my guitar, and once I get connected to a church I will probably seek out help with it…I’d hate to have it and not do anything with it. I saw some scene kids the other day, but I don’t really want to learn how to be emo. Well, I miss you all and you should like um, be careful and not get hurt like Moofis did last time I was gone and like Chaz just did...that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

My day...

2006-01-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

So I think I'm really good at almost burning down houses...cause I almost did it again today. The basement was really cold, so I asked Kristjan how you turn on the heat. He went over and flipped a switch on the fake wood-burning stove furnace-y thing...I haven't used it before, so I thought maybe there was a low and a high, but I guess there is just a high. My aunt bought some big Rubbermaid containers the other day, and they were in front of the furnace. My cousin moved them a bit, and I figured maybe he knew how far away stuff should be, cause I thought he knew how hot the thing would get. Apparently I was wrong. They went upstairs, then a few minutes later I went upstairs, and we stayed there for a good hour, and when I opened the door to come back downstairs I felt a ginormous heat wave of about 15 or 20 degrees difference. I went to turn off the heater, and noticed that it smelled a bit plastic-y, and looked down to see a big glob of green goo melting off the side of the containers...they melted together :( I am probably in trouble. I don't know why they thought it would be a good idea to put me in charge of small children.

As for the rest of my day, I went to church this morning. Not really everything I hoped it would be. I didn't really "click" with anyone, and the sermon was loooooooooooooong and a little shallow. The college group before church was pretty good. A couple in their 20's came to talk about a mission they have been doing in a village in Nepal in the Himalayas...they were very cool people. They were very humble and were really servants to these people, who are all Hindu or Buddhist. The people said that they know who their God is by their actions, instead of by their words like most Christians. They came back for a couple months to birth their first child, and they are leaving again on Wednesday to go back to the village. They already built 2 paths up to the village as well as a school, and they are going back to continue the school and hopefully train some basic care nurses. They said its horrible there because they most common cause of death are easily curable diseases. 6 children died last year from fevers because they families see them shaking and they think they must be cold so they bundle them up in blankets and make them sit next to fires, so their temperatures just keep rising, hit 108 and they die. Another common thing is diarrhea. People see that their feces are runny, so they think they have too much liquid in their bodies, so they stop drinking liquids and die of dehydration. Their main focus is to equip the people with the tools and knowledge they need to be self-sufficient and to show them the love of Christ through servanthood. They said that the church that is already in place there hated them when they came, because they chose to live in a Hindu family's house instead of the pastor's house. The Christians that are already there believe that they are holy and set apart, and as such they should not mingle with those who are "unclean" because they might become "tainted" by them. Slowly that mentality is fading away because they are being shown that they can all live together in peace, and that that is how they can show Christ better.

In other news, I bought a guitar today :) Well, I can't take it home till the 31st, cause its used, and it just came in a few days ago, and they need to make sure it wasn't stolen. Its an Ibanez Acoustic Performance series, satin finish, dark brown, and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It + case + about $22 tax = $271.11. I think its worth it. I am only paying around 94 bucks out of pocket. I guess if I want knew stings that’s gonna be a bit more too. They only thing that I don't like is that they don't exactly "refurbish" the guitars when they sell them used, and it's is almost perfect, save one small chunk someone took out of the back. Its not al the way through, and its only about half the size of a dime, but it still does bother me. I tried to find a pic on the net of it, but I couldn't...so you guys will just have to wait till I get it and a digital camera to see it...

IHOPness

2006-01-13T13:57:00.000-08:00

So I ordered some cd's and a book from IHOP. I ordered Misty Edwards new one, Pablo Perez's Return (Misty is on that one with him) and his other one called Majestic Splendor, an instrumental one called Solitude 3 by Nick Syrett, and the book is Secrets of the Secret Place by Bob Sorge. I think I jumped a little overboard. I finally figured out how to hear Pablo Perez's CD and I don't know if I like it...I can't figure out any way to like...unorder it though. Do any of you know a way to?

I am currently watching 4 children...the two neighbor girls are over...

The Days Events:

2006-01-13T09:00:00.000-08:00

I went to bed at about 1:30 last night and got up today at 7:30. I remembered my aunt said that they have free long distance on thier land line :) so I talked to Chaz for a while last night and that made me feel a lot better. He gave me a few ideas of how much worse stuff could be, so really I don't have it that bad. If anyone feels like callng me EVER, please PLEASE DO! You can try to call my cell, its the same 503 # and I will probably give Rachel and Chaz the land line # so ask them for it, I don't think I should put it on here :P If you are gonna call the land line, please don't call past about 8 mountain time which is 9 on the west coast, because that's when the kids go to bed.

I didn't black out yet, so that's a good sign. I am very very tired and my eyes hurt like none other cause I have cried so much, but I am doing well, it is sunny out, so that probably helps a great deal with my mood. I am going shopping a bit today and I am probably going to try to make it to the nearest Guitar Center and try to pick something or at least browse a bit. Tonight the kids get home about 3:30 and at the older one has baseball practice for an hour. I am also going to call the College group leader guy to see what they are doing tomorrow. I was going to call him last night but it was kinda late when we got here and I was on the verge of dry heaving, so that didn't make for a good combo. On the Lookout Mountain Church web site they say that they have get-togethers on Saturday nights ussually and they have college group Sunday mornings before church starts, so hopefully I can hook up with some good people over the next few days.

I am debating whether or not to apply at the little coffee shop downtown. It's not a chain or anything, just a random little oddball coffee shop. The hours seem good, but I kinda want to do something a bit more up-beat maybe. Plus minimum wage here is still like barely $6 I think so I couldn't possibly make that much cash. People hate coffee here, I am not even sure that shop is going to survive. I do have two other offers though for some type of babysitting which generally pay a bit more then other jobs. I still am not sure about those though, I would rather do something a bit more social and public service-ish.

I think I want to buy a ditgital camera of some sort. I want a nice one that I can control a good amount of stuff on or just use like regular. If any of you (moofis, jake, rahal) have any suggestions, they would be much appreciated. I also might look into guitar lessons. I don't really know how to go about that. I want someone who is Christian...I am thinking I should just ask around at the church if anyone teaches anything there. I am going to miss the hop so bad guys. have fun tonight all of you who are going...

I'm (t)here

2006-01-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

So here I sit in colorado. The flight I was trying to get on ended up being full, so I didn't get here till about 7:30 mountain time as they so lovingly refer to it. We got home about 8:30 and tomorrow is the first day I have to take care of the boys. It's an hour later here then it is there, so I really should be getting to sleep since I have to get them ready for school at 7:30. Unfortunately I can't just "go to sleep". That's so easy when you feel great, but not now. Yesterday I was having large amounts of anxiety and a few of you guys prayed over me. Thank you for your prayers, all three of you, you know who you are. You all made me feel a lot better and get a grip on what is really going on, and that this is going to be a good thing no matter what it feels like now. I was fine when I got here, but as soon as everyone went to bed about 2 hours ago and I had to be downstairs by myself everything changed...I have been crying on and off since then, and I want to shoot something because my phone doesn't work so I have no contact with people. It sucks so bad. I can't write this any more cause I am gonna cry again. I love you all so much. I miss you all, and I don't know what I am going to do without you. I guess that's why I'm here though...I need to not be so dependant on people. My heart seriously feels like it is having all the crap kicked out of it right to the edge of death...to the point where you would rather just die instead so you didn't have to deal with the torture of it all. No I am not saying I am suicidal. I just miss you all. God is gonna do good things, I know, but it's hard...I hate change. At least big change.

I am mistakable

2005-12-27T02:45:00.000-08:00

So last I almost burned Brandon's apartment complex down. I prettymuch figured I am not safe for human contact...I am probably the most clumbsy person I know. It sucks. Everywhere I go I break something, or almost break it and somehow twirl and whirl around in the right clumbsy way to save it, or I hurt someone on accident, or I spill something, or I trip myself, or something else I forgot to mention. Those are just my common mistakes. Anyway, Brandon got a box of goodies for Christmas from his buddies in Oklahoma and in it was a flying monkey. He is cute. Once that night I had already stuck my fingers in his handpits and let him rip...I ad been aiming for Brandon, but unfortunately I gave the poor thing braindamage and almost totaled the window. Then I was on the phone with my beloved Rahal, and Brandon was making a video with his soul mate of a black hunk of a phone, and he threw the screaming monkey at me. I wigged out in a playful energetic way and attempted to catapulte the thing back towards Brandon, but missed horribly and knocked over the one flaming candle in the whole stinking house...don't ask me how my luck is that good it just is. It spilled all over the counter and landed on the cardboard box the monkey and goodies came in. Luckily Brandon was there to save the day and he was thinking on his feet. He blew it out imediately...the complex doesn't know it, but he is a hero. Somehow I managed to knock the cookies on the floor too when I was cleaning up my wax puddles...I just shoved em off. Good thing *someone* was thinking far enough ahead to put the lid on before I did that so they didn't go everywhere. I am being watched out for. It's comforting.

Christmas was good, amazingly my mom didn't really freak out the whole day till my sister left the straightning iron out to cool for 20 minutes in the bathroom, she got a bit flustered but not too bad. It was interesting and long as usual. I got a guitar stand and a gift certificate to guitar center :) so I get to go choose a guitar in Denver when I get there...I am leaving to colorado on January 12th and I will miss you all. I am going to try to sell my carbefore then so I don't have to make payments or deal with insurance while I'm there, so if you know anyone who wants to pay me like 9 grand for it tell them (or me).

7 day mark...oh crap!

2005-12-21T00:15:00.001-08:00

k guys...so nothing new is really happening in my life, other then I have had weird dreams lately, but thats not out of the norm for me. I just figured its been a week since I wrote my last blog so it must be time for a new one. Anywho, I drempt that I was in prison but it was like a sleepover cause we were all girls and we all had sleeping bags and we were all supposed to be wearing pink pajama pants. I don't know where I was when they made that rule...but somehow I found myself with pants that were not pink and was desperately trying to hide the non-pinkness from the the prison guards because I didn't want to get thrown out of prison?? I mean was that a weird dream or what...I had a disturbing dream last night about on older man who had a crush on me but I was just trying to save all the little children. It took place at my dad's old house. I have a lot a lot a lot of dreams at his old house and we moved out of there when I was eleven...hmm. Not sure. I forgot all my other dreams atm.

Yeah so this is a short post but I don't want to tell you all the crap that is going on right now. I was stressed for multiple reasons and they are all taken care of now because God is good. Its tomorrow now and everything is fine and people don't suck and infact I love them all and I am sorry for being dumb when I wrotet this part of the post earlier...

mmhmm Colorado

2005-12-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

Queso...I took an hour this morning typing out a post on my whole entire trip to Colorado. Somehow, my computer became unplugged without my knowledge and after a while it shut itself down because my battery sucks. I was extremely aggravated because when I logged back on my whole post was gone, and normally my computer will bring the pages back up when you plug it back in...something fishy went on as far as I could tell, but regardless of the idea I had this morning to never write a blog again due to that aggravating situation, here I am for your entertainment writing a blog probably of equal length as the unsaved one this morning. Btw, if any of you know how I can save a blog as I write, that info would be greatly appreciated.

As for the trip, I can't remember how I wrote it this morning, but it was fairly backwards. It’s never fun to write the same thing twice, and I am better at just letting it flow anyway, so here I go. Enjoy my rambling.

The flight there was ok...I booked for first class, because I thought that is what my mom told me always to do...however, she forgot to tell me that it's ten bucks more...so I changed my booking to coach. The guys I sat next didn't say a word to me the whole entire flight. I had the window seat, but by the time I got there one of the guys was already sitting there, so I figured I wouldn't put up a fuss and I'd just let him have it. I sat in the middle, both of the guys were working on their laptops prettymuch the whole time, and used both of my armrests...now I know I'm not large or anything, but it would really have been nice to use at least one of my own armrests...that was one of the most uneventful flights I can remember, oh! Save the half hour of it where "My Name is Earl" was on. That was pretty cool. I had no idea that was an ABC show, I thought it was just a little low income show of some sort that Brandon and Justin accidentally stumbled upon on the internet...I guess I was wrong though. Sometimes I think I get dumber if I don't watch TV. I never know what’s going on in the world if I don't.

Anywho, my flight got in at about six, and my aunt and I walked past each other a few times before we saw each other...then we moseyed on outside into prettymuch the coldest weather ever...about 4 degrees or so, and went to the gas station. I froze my dang hiney off as I learned how to pump gas...I thought that would be an exciting experience, but for those of you Oregonians who have the same misconception I did, I have to let you know it really wasn't that fulfilling. I actually was highly unfond of having to stand out in the freezingness and wait for the stupid thing to stop. Its hard to top it off...you can't get it really to the exact amount you want. When we got to their house it was about 7:30 and the boys hid for about point zero five three seconds before colliding with me at the front door. They were excited to see me and they immediately took me back into one of their bedrooms to show me an accomplishment of theirs. They had built a Lego house, like we used to do in the olden days, except when they were done they realized they had forgotten the door...so they decided that the Lego house was actually a secret mad scientist layer that their mad scientist Lego men had been stuck in for the previous two years trying to invent creative ways to escape. Even though there was no ceiling, apparently there were invisible walls that went up two hundred feet in the air that the Lego men could not climb, so regardless of the fact that to the naked eye it looked like escaping was a synch, in all reality there was no way. Legos are amazing. Amen.

They went to bed and my aunt gave me the hookup with her amazing wireless internet. Her and my Uncle went to bed around ten, and I stayed up with my sweet hookup on the net way past midnight. I attempted to cuddle with their abnormally large gaseous Boston Terrier Jasper, but at a certain point the stench of his heiny outweighed the benefit of having something to cuddle with and I had to shove him out. This was the night of my NDE, which really wasn't that bad, and no there was no way I could have dies from it, but I am telling you it was very scary. Apparently according to my mother it was "a rare form of Hypoxia" which sounds quite ominous, so I decided I would let you know what her diagnosis was, since it makes it sound so scary.

Friday morning I woke up at about eleven, and my aunt gave me a tour of the town and we talked out the details of what my life and responsibilities would be like if I decided to take the position. We got back home at half past three, around the same time the boys did. We played around a bit and after dinner we played a few games of "greedy", a dice game at which I apparently am the suckiest person ever. Perhaps its not my fault though, because every time I went to role Kristjan would chant some form of Hawaiian word curse over me...at one point Nic started chanting "lama lama lama over everyone though, and apparently that was a good luck chant granting multiple sixes every time it was chanted...it was fun, but I lost miserably. Once they went to bed I was bored out of my mind again, and I got on the internet and tried to entertain myself.

The next morning, I didn't get up till almost noon. I got ready and my aunt took me out to lunch. After that we went to a craft show that reminded me of Saturday Market, only smaller and a bit more upscale. That night was the so-called soccer party. We went to prettymuch the richest people I have ever met thus far in my life's house. The children were sent to the basement to play while the adults enjoyed plenty of adult beverages and awkward small talk. I was a bit uneasy at first, but after people had "loosened up" a bit they all seemed really nice and although I didn't pipe up much, I listened to a few interesting conversations, mostly on plane mechanics, airline procedures and patent laws. We arrived at around six, and finally at ten the "soccer meeting" part of the evening began. I have never seen so many "civilized adults" squirm in their chairs like small children having to pee, "waiting" their turn to share their "opinion" in such boisterous, threatening ways. One moment they were all friends and the next they were about ready for WWF because of things dealing with the board and U8 and U9 and Steiner’s and boys and girls and less than fifty and more then a hundred and somewhere around seventy five and coed and snow and two days a week and three days a week and coaches for the coaches and Dan Rather or someone. I have no idea what on earth they were talking about, but every time one of the above words/phrases was mentioned, someone almost committed suicide or murder. At around eleven the children were called up from downstairs to sing countless numbers of less then well practiced Christmas songs before they were allowed to open all of their millions of presents. Finally we left. That was an interesting night...or not so interesting.

Sunday we visited a church in Genesee, which is about twenty minutes from my aunt’s house. My aunt is Lutheran, and she informed me that the service we attended was more Lutheran then her church...I am not sure how I feel about that. Now I have nothing against the Lutherans, but there is something about the mix of that the shear hugeness of the church and the "hipness" that the church body seemed to portray that didn't really entice me. I liked the sermon, and the Pastor definitely isn't afraid of offending the body, which I admire him for, but we went to third service, and I could definitely tell that it was the third time the man had been emotional about the same subject in the past day or so. I will probably go check it out again, and they have a college group so I will call the pastor dude and see what that’s all about. I think the hardest part for me is going to be making friends. So, if y'all could pray that God leads me to a good group of people, or even if you could inform me of a neat church somewhere west of Denver, it would be much appreciated. Thawnk yah.

Btw, I guess the point of this post was probably supposed to be letting you in on what my decision was, and I am fairly sure the answer is...dun dun dun...I am moving to Colorado. It seems like a good sitch, the kids like me, they aren't brats, lots of good stuffs can happen there. I am planning on leaving somewhere around the twelfth of January and I will be back probably at the end of the summer, but perhaps the beginning of summer if my life sucks.

I almost died...

2005-12-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

So...I'm in Colorado at the moment. Yes, yes I am. No, I haven't moved here yet, but I am scoping it out till sunday to see if true potential lies here. So far it's looking good. All the stuffs seem to be lining up, except what happened last night. That was not my favorite experience. Denver is the "mile high" city, and they live about 800ft above that, so we are in some fricken thin air. I was doing good ever since I got in last night around 6pm, a lot better then the last time I was out here where I had a headache for 3 days straight. Ussually you get a really bad headache and way tired cause your body isn't getting enough oxygen. This morning about 5:30 or so I got up and went upstairs to get a glass of water. Once I reached the top of the stairs I felt very lightheaded, the feeling you get when you stand up to fast...and your vision goes all black and spotty. I sat down on the stairs for about two minutes trying to sit it off or something, but it only depleted a little. I got up very slowly and walked into the kitchen to the cup cabinet, about 15 feet from where I was, but I started getting way worse, to the point where I couldn't see anything, and I started to fall over. I caught myself and proceeded to sit on the floor and try not to move and overstress myelf, but I wasn't getting any better. It scared the crap out of me because every other time that has ever happened it had been for about 10 or 15 seconds at the most, but already this was about 3 minutes. I didnt know what to do because everyone else was sleeping, and I couldn't walk up more stairs and wake them, or yell for help because I could hardly breath. I concentrated on breathing very deep and trying to keep it at a steady pace. my feet get really cold, and my lips started to get very cold and almost numb too. The breathing helped enough to the point where I could stand up and get a glass of water, which was really hard for me to swallow. I stood still for probably another 3 minutes before attempting to go back downstairs, on which I almost fell again. I made it back to my bed and lied down, not before turning on the light to see if I looked like death or if there was still blood in my face. Mostly there wasn't, and I probably looked better then I did the few minutes before I could get used to the light enough to see myself. I layed down scared poopless that if I went to sleep I was going to get even less oxygen cause you breath shallow when you sleep, and I was deathly afraid that I may at some point get brain damage from blacking out. If I blacked out I don't know how long you can stay that way without having permenant damage done to yourself, or even if that could happen at all. As far as I was concerned that was the closest thing to death I have felt, at least as far as I can remember at this point. Hopefully that won't happen again. I still feel a little light headed, but I think I'm fine. Thanks for the concern, heh. Maybe that doesn't sound so scary to you, but seriously now, being in a strange place by yourself and not being able to breath, see, or stand on your own strength makes you feel extremely helpless and I thought for sure it was gonna keep getting worse and I was gonna black out and get brain damage or go into shock or something...

Anyway, I had prettymuch decided that I was going to go with the kids program until last sunday at the Kershaw factory sale. My dad called me while we were there, and he asked if I had given any real concideration to going. I said "yeah, but..." and he proceeded to tell me that it would still be a good idea reguardless and fill me in on details I didn't know of. Here's the rest of the story: I get to live here for free, with free use of a vehicle. They will give me free reign over decoration of the house, so I can get practice being an interior designer, and I get my very own room and bathroom. I only will have to work about 4 days a week, and I have the ability to get another job during the day if I want. And I can even go home a week every two months. Also I can go with my aunt probably twice to wherever I want. She flies international so I can go to China, Germany, Japan, or Australia...ooo. And even with all the benefits she still will pay me a grand a month...tax free!

They found a church that they think I will like, and if I don't they said I can wander around for one as much as I want. The kids already love me, and they want me to be the one that they hire. There is a drama club or something that they said I could get involved in if I want. They don't care how long I stay as long as I give a month notice before I leave. So at this point I'm thinking of moving here until the end of August. I don't have to start work until January 9th or 20th, so I got a while. However, if I want to come out the first week of January, they are taking a family vacation to China and they said I am more then welcome to come. I'm not sure about that part but its not out of the question. So I will see you all when I get back to P-town and hopefully I will have some good pics to show you.

Btw, I want to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, so y'all better not go without me!!!

Help me some more though...

2005-12-01T22:56:00.000-08:00

Guys...*tear* but I miss you already :( I don't know if I could handle the separation of leaving to a whole nother state...and it doesn't help that my mom through a control fit this morning and attacked the crap outta my ability to do anything halfway decent. She told me I can never stick to anything and since now at Peet's their telling me I can be rehired I should just go for it...and she said that the PKI thing seems "sketchy" and somehow she rationalized that I would actually be hindering the kids if I did the program cause I am not a well trained professional or the kids' parent. Plus she thinks that PKI is embezzling or some crap like that cause she doesn't understand how I can get paid.

She thinks moving would be dumb because I don't know if I'm gonna like it and in her mind it doesn't fit with "my life plan" whatever the crap that is, cause as far as I knew I didn't have one. She also thinks I would be supporting my aunt in not taking care of her own children, which I don't approve of. It's true that I believe people should take care of their own families, but hi, I am definitely family, I am not daycare, and my aunt and uncle aren't going to be gone all the time. My cousins are 10 and 7, my aunt and uncle are both pilots, and its not like she didn't do the SAME EXACT THING by leaving to be a flight attendant when I was 9. She was never home and didn't seem to have a problem with it, so I don't know why she is attacking me and my aunt and uncle for it...sounds a bit hypocritical to me, but what do I know.

Yes, I want to move to Colorado, but I don't know if that's really something I should be doing right now, especially under that circumstance. I feel like it's supposed to be a long term thing that God is going to use me throughwhen I do go, and in what way I don't know, but I'm just not sure if this is it. It's not like I would just be able to do whatever I wanted, my number one obligation would be to nannying the boys, which I would love, but its not a set schedule. My aunt and uncle could potentially both be gone for 4 or so days at a time, that's a lot of responsibility.

My aunt and uncle are Lutheran, so its definitely a plus that they are saved, but I don't know if I could go to their church or if there would really be anyone there that I could connect with, and even if I did, I would potentially have to take care of the boys every time I wanted to do something with those people. Yeah I would get paid for taking care of them, but I need to do something social sometimes, so it would suck not being able to have another job or any way to meet people. I also don't know where the nearest school is, or even if I could register for the classes I want next term at this point. I was looking at various community college tuition rates in Colorado for out of state students, and they are RIDICULOUSLY high, so that's almost not even an option and I feel such a burden to go back to school, but now I'm almost questioning that. I'm not just questioning because of this opportunity, but also because of the PKI thing, and I just don't know if I could help people in the way my heart wants to reach out by doing interior design. I know I could just end up doing that part time for $ and have the rest of my life be dedicated to helping people, and that's pretty much what I believe at this point and am holding on to, but there is always a chance that I am completely wrong. Maybe I should be going to school for something haveing to do with children? Social work? Some kind of counciling? Maybe God's trying to tell me I don't need to at all even? I don't know though, I'm just trying to look at both sides.

As far as the plans I have set up right now, Lori from PKI is gonna call me tomorrow to let me know what Bob said about whether or not they should hire me for her position in January. I want to do it, but again, there seem to be some downfalls. I have experience with the kids, yes, but not really very much of it. I love them all to death, but that doesn't mean I'm highly skilled. I know I've only had the job for 4 days, but really there are some situations that have come up that I don't know how to handle. As far as "helping them with their homework without telling them the answers" it's definitely harder then it sounds. As many times as I thought when I was a kid, "I'm never going to grow up to forget what its like to be/think like a kid" I definitely have grown up to do just that. There is a lot of responsibility involved that I may not be prepared for. If a kid leaves with the wrong person after the homework club and something happens, its all my fault...I don't know what I would do if that happened, plus I would probably blame myself for all the worlds problems and become a mourning hermit for the rest of my life. Also, Saturday kids church...its fun, and we teach them about God, but some of it is really lame. Half of the time I don't feel like they are being taught anything of real importance, and I don't really know how to teach children about the deep things of the Spirit, regardless of the fact that it is SOOO my desire to do so. And I'm supposed to be funny...I mean I know I can knock some laughs outta you, but they are so hard to penetrate sometimes...little snots...I could get the hang of it, it would just be awkward. Trying to keep the attention of thirty kids, ages five to ten, is really not that easy just in case you were wondering. The other crappy thing about it is that its on Saturdays...Church starts at 11:30, and the kids church is from 3:30-7 or so. They are thinking about moving it to Sundays, which would be way better. I want to start going to Church there though if I am going to be that involved, so no I can't just sleep till 2:30. I definately don't want to give up the DHOP stuff though, that is really one of my favorite parts of my life right now. I love learning my guitar and hanging out and worshiping till the wee (or full, come to think of it) hours of the mourning. As for now my weekend sleep pattern is lacking in rationalism of any kind...

But then again Peet's isn't totally out of the question. I miss them tons, they freakin NEED my help RIGHT now, and I could figure out some way to work there and still at the kids program--it just wouldn't be all the time or administrative in any way. I could work around my school schedule just as well as I can by just doing the kids program, but I could also get days off way easier then I could there, considering it wouldn't be administrative in any way. Thanks a bundle to those of you who actually take the time to read my crap, and perhaps even give some serious thought and prayer to what I should do. I appreciate the advice and the inquiring before the Lord on my behalf...I love you all so much it's not even funny.

Help me with my poor decision making skills

2005-11-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

Well now...aren't you in for a surprise or seven! I've had possibly life altering offers streaming to me for the last few days and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. Just to remind you, Peet's management has been running me through the system up, down, backwards, sideways...and any other way they could think of. The kept giving me different stories, making me mourn the loss of my beloved position in the company, only to tell me yesterday that they were wrong every time. Apparently the true story is that I can be rehired at any Peet's location, including Bridgeport, at any time...no waiting period! Now you may be rejoicing at this fact, and I assure you I was dancing a delightful/victorious jig on the inside when the news was announced to me, and even the rest of the day I was bursting at the seems with excitement because of the victory I felt. However, it probably would have been more helpful information about 2 weeks ago when I began my search for employment, and was free of any other obligations or unimaginable cool alternative proposals. I am at a standstill. I have no idea what to do. I have been making such a fuss about getting back to Peet's every day of my life for the last three weeks, but now it really seems like the least exciting option I have...I am not saying anything bad about Peet's though, take not of that. My loyalty to them will forever remain, and everyone that I worked with and the superior product we created, and really just the company itself I still hold in the highest regards. I desperately miss the teamwork involved, the act of creating each piece of delectable art that I did, interacting with and serving the customers, and the sense of accomplishment and pride all us employees shared at the end of a busy day, but now I'm wondering since I've "been there, done that" if it's not just time to move on?

As of this last Monday, I am employed with Portland Kids International as an after school teacher's aide at Marcus Whitman Elementary. I work with 1st-3rd graders in the "homework club". For those of you who know Ben, you might have heard of this organization before. He worked for them and went to their church while he lived here. PKI also has kids camp during the summer, where Ben had invited me to volunteer. I did, and got connected, and that's where we know Chaz from too for those of you who were wondering. Anyway, they are always in need of people, and Chaz, Lori, Bob and Bev have all asked me at various points to come back and work with them so finally I decided it was the right move. I started on Monday and was a little shy at first, but many of the kids recognize me and remember my name already, and finally today I started really getting more comfortable at it. The first day a lot of the kids tried to pretend like they didn't know what they were doing. Naturally, it being "homework club" and all, they are supposed to work on there homework, and naturally, them being kids and all they don't want to. At first I didn't know how to handle those situations, then yesterday, my biggest problem was physical. There has been a lot going on over the years concerning whether or not teachers can touch children at all...the thing is, I am not the kind of person who can refrain from showing physical attention, especially to children who you can tell don't get enough of it at home or anywhere else. I know I'm not conceited and you should to, so I'm going to tell you all that I'm a very compassionate person, and I just can't hold it back from them. It reminds me of a verse in Hosea where God is saying that all his compassion is aroused...I can't see them and not have compassion, its just flat out not possible, especially for me. Even the annoying kids, I still want so badly to figure out why they act so shady...what on earth happened to them to make them react that way to a person who hasn't even been harsh on them? Why is there so much fear there? It makes me so mad and I just want to go fight off all their oppressors and pick them up and bring them into the fullness of the love of Christ. And for the little girls, I want each and every one of them to experience the worth that they have in Christ, their beauty in Him, I want them all to see themselves how he sees them...I could go on and on about this alone, but essentially the point is that I love this job and there is no way I want to leave it. As much as I felt success at Peet's, it's ten times more here. I love all the people I worked with at Peet's, and I know God has huge things He wants to do in their lives, but these kids are so important, and the whole entire point of this job is to get a hold of them and steer them and direct them, and they are amazingly receptive to it.

That all being said, here are the first two options I have: I can keep the job at PKI, and end up working probably only three or four days a week while also working part time at Peet's, or I can ditch the whole "making a come back at the time when they need a savior" thing and keep working for only PKI. As of right now, pay sucks because it only equates to about 15hours a week...but here's the thing, in early January, Lori, the gal who heads it up is leaving...and they need someone to fill her position. They have a person, but she doesn't even come on a regular basis, she is super quite, and doesn't really know how to handle the kids. This position would consist of the same hours I work right now, but would also include flexible hours to take care of some office work, and I would actually be the one responsible for making sure the whole thing runs smoothly. Oh, bonus: its salary pay...that definitely can't hurt me. However, the position doesn't start till January, and I am prettymuch dead broke...

Now, if you think you have it figured out, let me throw a wrench into it. If you can think back real hard, you may recall at least one of the four-hundred twenty-seven times I burst at the seams with love and awe for Colorado...do you remember that? It hasn't been that long ago...it's been fairly ongoing for the past three or four years. I had a chance to go this summer and I didn't take it, reason being I just started my job at Peet's. Well, I got a call from my aunt who lives in Evergreen Colorado tonight...her husband has been called back to work in January (he got furloughed from United a while back) my dad told her I got fired, and she offered for me to come live with her! Her and her husband have two boys, ages seven and ten, very intelligent/know how to have fun type kids. She was wondering if I was interested in prettymuch nannying them whenever they are gone...that means I get to live in their EXTREMELY nice three story house, in COLORADO for free (not my mom's house, definitely a +), get paid a MOTHERLOAD, go to school during the day, and care for the boys whenever they aren't at school when her and my uncle are both out of town...it sounds like an EXTREMELY sweet deal to me...the only thing is that, well, it is in Colorado, and that is not exactly close to most of you. The things that are making this decision hard are the DHOP, my PKI job, the fact that I finally figured out what I want to do for school, registered, and was really excited about going to PCC since its so dang big, and the fact that I would miss all my friends and the people I just started getting to know (no offense, you know who you are, you are my friends, I just don't know you very well and I would like to get to know you better since your so dang cool and different and whatnot all at the same time).

Anywho...I am struggling with this decision...all three have their positives and negatives. It would be nice to do something different, you know, get away, but I'm wondering if I just like it cause it sounds so novel. Peet's is a safe bet, and my mom would probably be miffed if I didn't pursue it, and that’s not a good reason to go back I know, but I do really have a heart for all the people I worked with, we were really like a family and I miss that atmosphere so much. I'm not sure what Colorado has in the way of HOPs so that might not be too cool...also not sure what exactly the school sitch looks like out there...plus I definitely need some dang friends that are my age, and not to be biased or anything, but I prettymuch prefer the friends I already have. I'm sure there's cool people other places in the world, but maybe like Brandon and Justin they are supposed to just flock here to me...(lol, I know that’s not true, but it's worth a try). I know I'm supposed to go to Colorado sometime, but maybe it's just not now...? Help...

Thanks

2005-11-26T01:33:00.000-08:00

Well it’s been a few days since I let you in on the details, so I thought I'd speak up. Wednesday I went back into Peet's to talk to my manager since she was unreachable via the phone no matter how hard I tried. I saw Chelsea and Justin, two of my verymost favorite people and I started crying again. I hate that, I go in with confidence that I am totally composed; having control over myself and being professional, and then I can't hold it worth crap. Chelsea was my best friend there and I haven't talked to her since I left the premises my last day. Anyway, Jeanine came out on her way to the bank, and very casually informed me that I can never get hired at any location ever again, EVER. That was shocking cause it was completely different from what I heard from my assistant manager two days prior. She left, and John the district manager happened to be there, so he came out and talked to me. He told me the same thing she did, but with a little spin. He said I can get rehired if they don't check my references, but that’s never supposed to happen and if they do check, then I can't. He said no one would get in trouble for not checking, but then if some strange series of events happened then someone else may have the potential to get fired, or I may just be fired again. Then he said he wasn't sure if there was a loophole anywhere in the system, or if there may be lesser consequences because of the fact that my violation was merely tardiness and not something like stealing or threatening to violently murder people. Then Char (a customer) came in--she's my backup woman from Brooklyn. She said that she had called HR and that they told her everything was up to my manager Jeanine...she could rehire me if she wanted or she could give another store the go ahead to rehire me...so I am definitely confused beyond belief. Justin is a shift lead so he has lots of "sway" with the management, and now we have a dealio that he's gonna cry for me :) I love that kid. He's awesome and I don't think he knows it, or if he does, he thinks he’s awesome for a completely different reason than he actually is. Anhywho, I guess 2 other people have gotten fired there for the same reason I have, so my chances maybe aren't lookin so hot, cause then they'd have to do the same thing for the others too.

I would like to say sorry for what I said about my mom and how I made her look by that. I love my mom very much, so please forgive me for making her look bad and embelishing the story.

Well, today, if there is any of it left by the time I am done doing this...I have to go do some things at PCC, wash my sheets cause they smell like smoke now since I didn't shower last night, and then its off to the DHOP meeting...

My dear Peet

2005-11-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

My interview sucked yesterday, mostly cause it never happened. I got there and the receptionist said they weren't hiring...? I know it wasn't the wrong place because really now, how many "Julie's Travel Agency at 525 SW 1st street in downtown Lake Oswego across the street Rite Aid and Lacey's bar & grill"'s could there possibly be? I spent a lot of dang time preparing for that. Jerks. Anyway, after that I went back to my beloved Peet's to check up and see whether or not I could be rehired because they haven't been able to come up with that information yet. Seems I can now, just not at that one, and I guess its gonna take a lot of work on the part of all the managers involved to convince HR that I'm actually worth it. Hopefully that works out. There was a customer in there today and she saw me and asked why I didn't work there anymore so I told her I was fired. She’s an Italian from Brooklyn so she is really loud and she started getting all upset about how they broke up “the family” and how she is so displeased...she got like 3 people's phone numbers and she’s gonna go all out today complaining to anyone who will listen about how they need to have me back. She's so funny...I'll have to impersonate her sometime when someone is watching. That was so sweet of her, and I started crying cause I want my job back. All the people that I worked with the most were there today. Cory, “Bridgeport’s Gay token” as he so lovingly refers to himself as started crying and told me he missed me. He's so sweet and can't wait till he gets saved. That's why I miss it so much, cause all of them are so special and I can see the hand of God on them and I hate not being able to be around them and spead the love/light at least a little. I want so bad for God to come and break them...I hate not being able to watch it.

So if you haven't figured it out, I don't think I want an office job anymore. I'm gonna pursue the Peet's thing, and maybe the afterschool program with PKI (the people Ben worked for/the summer camp) cause they are in desperate need. The only thing is its all the way on the east side of town 5 days a week only 3 hours a day...I don't know if that would actually create cash flow. I love all the PKI people and kids, but I still need some dollars to make my car payment and rent.

Un-stress-ed

2005-11-20T01:15:00.000-08:00

So...Monday I have an interview. I hope all goes well...I am not sure what the company is called, and I forgot what kind of company it is, but it’s some bussinessy thing. I would be a receptionist, and it would be downtown LO, so not to far from home. It’s part time, and in the summer would be full time. I am not sure if this is the job for me, but it’s the only freaking interview I have set up so far, and I have applied seven places. Apparently the word is out that I suck. Anywho, I need to get a job this week or I probably won't get my 1st check in time to pay my next car payment. I know that God has it, and I am at whole heck of a lot less stressed then I probably should be, or then I would have been if this happened to me last year. Man, I don't know if any of you remember me like that, but I swear I was gonna give myself at least 4 diseases by the time I was 22 from freakin out and worrying about every dang thing that ever had a chance of happening. It was so good for me that I went to GP because I learned how to trust the Lord so much down there. I had to depend on Him and His timing for everything and He provided so well. I know He has something for me and I can't wait to see how it works out. I am excited to see all of the new people He's gonna bless through me, and who He is gonna bless me though. He's so dang amazing!!!! Wow, k. Oh, and today my mom took me on a freaking shopping spree! She hasn't really bought me a whole lot of anything since I got a job. I think she bought me a pair of shoes and maybe a pair of pants, but today she went all out. I was in desperate need of a winter jacket and she got me one and interview clothes and some other normal clothes. Normally when I go shopping with my mom we get tired of each other real quick, but today we were just so blessed by each other. Sometimes I forget how sweet my mom is and how much she really loves me. I know that just because she buys me stuff doesn't mean she loves me, and say what you want but I am not that materialistic. It was just so sweet of her and she surprised me, and she wasn't buying me stuff just cause she hates all the clothes I have, or just cause she's my mom and she’s somehow obligated, but actually because she loves me and she wanted to bless me and care for me and make sure I was warm and comfy all the cold winter days that I'm not even around her. She was just being a mom and making sure I was fully taken care of and then some. I need to go to bed, I hope you all are doing well, and perhaps I will see each of you again at some point in my life.

Why is good eggnog so hard to find?

2005-11-17T18:03:00.000-08:00

I went to safeway today and they only had 3 kinds of eggnog. Lucerne regular, Lucerne light, and the safeway brand which for some reason costs a dollar more then the other brand. I grabbed for the Lucerne regular and I noticed it had expired yesterday. I reached back as far as I could and they had ALL exprired yesterday, so I got the light. Really, it tastes like crap. I'm prettysure they didn't thin it with milk, but with water. Its discusting. I don't know what to do with myself.

On the other hand, I applied for 6 jobs today, and I hope that somebody gives me a ring tomorrow cause I need some cash. The one that I wasnt the most is a wedding photogropher assistant. Its $125 a gig, which is ussually once a week (saturdays, duh) and about 10hrs/week of clerical goodness. My saturdays would be toast, but thats a lot of cash, and I'd get to go to a wedding every week! Other then that I applied for 4 part time receptionist jobs and Tully's Coffee, which now I'm pretty sure is a mistake--they suck. Tomorrow I am going to apply for two more office jobs and another barista position at OHSU, which I think would be very fun.

weed...?

2005-11-17T03:08:00.000-08:00

So I had a dream last night, it prettymuch came from the middle of nowhere. I have never smoked pot or anything for that matter, nor have I ever seriously thought about participating in such an action, 1: because I am not stupid, and 2: because my dad made that mistake enough times for the next four generations of our family. Anywho, that doesn't change the fact that I had a dream. I was looking for an apartment to rent driving around in Beaverton near the tj Maxx and pulled into a complex. The next thing I knew there was a lady and her two teen daughters -as white trash as they come- standing next to me. At some point the mother was handing out joints to us all and I just took it and lit er up like no tomorrow. It was like second nature, like I had done it a million times, and what scares me is that I had no conviction what-so-ever about it. I didn't give a rip that we were outside in the middle of a busy parking lot in broad daylight, I was just tokin it up...I couldn't get it fast enough. I sucked as hard and long as I could to make it burn faster cause I wanted it THAT INSTANT OR ELSE! I started feeling a tad woosey when it was about 4/5ths gone, and I didn't want to burn my fingers on the what was left, but I noticed the other ladies thinking it was all good to the last drop or something, so I asked the mum "do you wanna finish this off for me?" and she said sure and snaged it from me like she was gonna morph into a rabbid dog in two point six nanoseconds flat if anyone tried to get it instead of her. I decided I was going to keep my composure and not act like everyone else does when they are high, but my plan failed misserably. We started walking up the stairs towards the street tj Maxx is on, and on my way up I attempted to clasp my hands together like a normal bussiness proposing human being, but I missed and caught a thumb and a pinky. I then looked at my hands to try and figure out what the crap just happened and ended up tripping over my self and falling left, which made me for some reason, unbenounced to me, laugh hyserically. Once inside the store a butler of sorts was being snooty and told us we should go downstairs, we all laughed and followed his orders. I tried on two highly unattractive christmas sweaters and somehow completely forgot to take one off before leaving the store. After a few less memorable events I returned home. My mother showed me an add in the paper for highly unattractive christmas sweaters and went on and on about how I should go try them on at least because they would be adorable on me. I explained to her how I had already tried them on, and unzipping my jacket realized I still had one on, and proclaimed, "Oh...see? It's definately ugly." She asked if I bought it and I said no, I just forgot I had it on. She told me I should take it back, and for some reason I couldn't figure out if I was supposed to just put it back in the store or return it and get the cash...

It bothers me that I was so unconvicted about anything in that dream, it was like I had no morals, no God and no brain. I am not sure if it means anything, I'm thinking no...if anything its just a warning, but at the same time I think its hilarious because it is soooo beyond out of character for me to do anything like that.

My job hunt is sucking. I had a few places for office jobs that I was looking into, but yesterday I went to a seminar for the interior design program at PCC that I am trying to get into and they explained how they can't tell us what the schedual is like, other then they only typically only offer 1 section of each class every term and part are "daytime" and part are "nighttime". That means that I have no idea what time the classes I MUST take next term are going to be, so I don't know when I will be available to work starting January. I am not sure if I can have an office job now, even part time, because a class may fall on a day/time I am schedualed to work, and office jobs aren't flexable like retail. You aren't stupid, so I am sure you could have figured that all out on your own, but I really felt like explaining it. Anywho, if you just wanna pray that God will make it clear what I am supposed to do that would be great. I think at this point I am just going to apply for those 4 jobs tomorrow anyway, another coffee job, and maybe beg for my old job back and see what happens. I need to have a job sometime next week though, or else I stand the chance of my bills backing up...thats never good...plus I am so dang BOARD OUT OF MY MIND and sore from being lazy all day and oversleeping, I need something better to do straight away.

Oh, that I could find a cure and sleep!

2005-11-15T02:21:00.000-08:00

Well hello all, and by all I mostly mean me...how are you?

Well I am good. Good and NOT TIRED even though it is 2:30 in the dang morning.

" The reason?" I hear you ask yourself, and by yourself, yes, I do still mean myself.

Well, let me tell you. At the moment I am slightly hungry, but that is not the real reason. The reason began about a week ago. See, I used to be employed by the best coffee & tea shop in all the americas, if not the world, until one day I used a clock with a gimp minute hand to determine the correct time of departure for me to arrive on time to my beloved place of employment. I was too in love with the idea of playing my guitar for one more half hour to even let the thought cross my mind that the clock was bending my perception of reality. I went on my merry way, played my guitar and at what I assumed was the correct time, hop into my car and scooted off towards work with a happy-go-lucky attitued that lasted all of ten minutes.

My assistant manager rang on the cell I hadn't looked at unfortunately all morning, and she informed me that it was ten minutes past my schedualed arrival time. I said no, looked at the clock in my car, and indeed, it was true. I drove extra wrecklessly the rest of the way to work knowing full well it wouldn't make a lick of difference concidering I was already on double probation once for working there less then five hundred hours, and once for a prior gross tardy. I got to work and practically siezured in a concious state for the next hour until my mind cooled down and there were no signs that I was in big poo. My manager was curtious and my co-workers assured me that they couldn't fire me for various reasons that at the time seemed valid, but apperently are scum.

Break time arrived, and as I went back to cool down and gather my thoughts someone follwed me with a suspicious look. My asst. manager sat down and looked me in the eyes and immediately the fear of the strict Peet's Empire gripped my heart once again. She explained how she had talked to my manager and the district manager and that company policy was that I must be suspended until further notice, at which point I would be informed of further highly restrictive probation or dun dun dun...TERMINATION. She went on to explain that I could not clock back on after my break. I started leaking from the eyes and my chin began to quiver. That is probably one of the only shocks in my life that took no time at all to hit me. As soon as the words dropped off her tongue I felt the wieght of my future. I wept for a while, the made the walk of shame through the front door out into the real world. I recieved a great big welcome present *sock*, right when I least expected it. I drove home and pretty much wept bitterly for the next day, until I had a dream that they didn't terminate me. In these days of uncertanty I didn't know whether to look for a job or sit back and relax. At that point I chose to relax, thinking that I would learn extended amounts of humility and responsibility having to walk back in to a building full of *perfect* people who don't do wrong, where I obviously was a lower lifeform. I was satisfied with that prospect until tuesday night when my asst. manager gave me another ring. Decent tone of voice she had, didn't indicate one way or the other what she was about to inform me of. Then the words flowed, "I'm sorry but based on the decision of HR, we are forced to terminate you due to the two gross tardys which demonstrate to Peet's that you are a 'high risk individual' and as a professional company we cannot risk any further complications with you.".

So that night Jamee(my friend who just so happened to get fired the same day as me) and I mourned together and proposed ideas of what to do next until morning arrived upon us, at which point we slept. Since that point last "tuesday night" I have been an insomniac. I simply cannot make myself fall asleep, then somehow sleep until the early afternoon and justify it with the fact that I have nothing to do. I can successfully pay all my bills for one month and five days without a paycheck, whick thoretically gives me about two weeks to start a new job, and I am an extremely talented procrastinator. I would give anything to be going to school this term so I at least had something to do, unfortunately I was too indecisive to determine that before fall term started.

Perhaps I killed enough time creating/writing the blog to fall asleep now. Oh, if you think of it at any point, you could pray that I get a job where the favor of the Lord rests on me and perhaps that I would learn something useful in my walk with Him through this whole ordeal andstop being such a dang mopey pansy. And yes, by you, I probably do still mean just me.

Congradulations, you read it! I promise this will not be the longest blog I write so prepare yourself, you may be jumping into something deep...I still mean me.