I think I found a church :)

So yesterday was good. I went to the Vineyard church...it's about 45 minutes away, but it was well worth the drive. The people there were friendly, and a lot of people introduced themselves to me and asked me a million questions. Most of the people there are in thier 20's or 30's, and the pastor is probably somewhere around 30 aswell. One of the girls named Skylar was really extremely sweet. She is 23 or 24 and she leads one of the small groups (they have like 6 even though there is less than 100 people in the whole church). She is a nanny too, but she isn't live in. She told me about herself and asked me questions and she introduced me to other people as her "friend". There are lots of emo kids there...heh...they are all early or mid twenties, probably finishing college or something. I didn't meet too many of them, but there are probably a good 20 people there that are under 25 that probably go to Skylar's small group, and hopefully I can befriend some peeps. Skylar gave me her # and told me we could go out for coffee or anything sometime if I wanted to.

I can't go to the small group this week cause its on a tuesday, and I have to stay home with Nic while my uncle takes Kris to cub scouts or something. And I can't go next week cause GUESS WHY...!!! I GET TO COME VISIT!!! Yes, it's true...the 31at I get to come home! It's a Tuesday, and I get to stay through that Saturday which is the 4th. Hopefully you guys all remember me and don't hate me by now like I had a dream about...but I miss you all and would love to see you :) I can't wait!

Anyway, I realized yesterday, after my amazing time at church, that I might be hindering the work God is trying to do in me and maybe even through me. I have had this mindset ever since before I left that I was going to come back at least by the end of the summer. I realized that this mindset is keeping me from giving myself fully to anything that could potentially happen here. I have chosen to keep a certain amount of distance between me and anything that I percieve as something I might come to enjoy or that I think would be even slightly painful to part from when I leave. I am not acting like this is my home now, but as though I am still just a visitor. Everytime I think I am alone I just think "well it's only for a little while and if I can just tromp through it then I can go back to Oregon and pretend like none of this ever happened". That is sooooo detramental. I can't learn anything that way. I am not leaning on God or what he wants, I am still just holding to what feels the most comfortable right now. I am not abandoned yet, I am fleeing from abandonment as much as I can.

The sermon yesterday was about hell. He talked about all the questions people ask him most frequently about hell, and one was "how can a good God send people to hell?" and I have heard that question and it's answer a million times, but really it's not because he wants to, it's because that's what the people want. We have free will, and we are the one's who choose over and over again to say "no" to God, so when we die we think we can go to heaven because we believe all the nice things about God, when really the whole time we kept saying "no" to him, we didn't want to be with him, so he gives us what we wanted. We don't have to be with him. But that's not what I want. I want to be with God, I want to say "yes" to him, and even though it's not always going to be the most comfortable thing, and even though what he conciders to be best wouldn't always be my first choice of what's best, I still need to say "yes". I don't know what he is going to do. I might come back i n two months, I might die in three, I might come back at the end of summer, or I might not come back at all. It doesn't really matter. No matter what I want, God is going to get his way. If I am not supposed to be here then he will find a way to get me back there, but if I am not supposed to be there, he will find a way to keep me here. There is no use fighting God, it's not going to get me anywhere, it will only weary me and get me further away from him until I am all alone on my own side with no one to fight for me. So as of yesterday I am going to try to give that all up. I am not going to act like I am coming home in 6-8 months. I am not going to act like anything, unless I feel like that's what God is really saying.