My heart hurts. It seems like it should only be for one reason, but really I can't even begin to understand how many there really are. You are at the center of it though. Maybe that's not even true. Maybe I just want to think that. Maybe it's just that a majority of the reasons it hurts are somehow manifested in you. Maybe I'm making that up. Maybe you even make it up. Maybe we all make it up. I want truth. Tonight for some reason my lines got blurred, there wasn't even any one event that I would think to have that effect on me, but as I thought and tried to connect dots in my mind, it seemed the opposite thing happened. I thought I knew things about how the world works and why things are the way they are, and what is good and what is bad and how we could make things better, or how I could. I thought I knew what love was, or at least what caring was, and I even thought I was pretty good at it. I guess I am good at being a manipulative monster who controls people into what I think is the best for a person to make me feel better.

I wish we could just go home now, you're right, it's hard to be optomistic. Do I really do it all for myself? Kill me now. I thought I cared about people, I thought I cared about you. Is compassion bad? How can you love someone and not have compassion on them? Not want the best for thier life? Not want to help them and care for thier brokenness? What is love if having compassion is either looking down on them or some form of satisfying your own desire to be needed? I don't understand how to love. I don't understand what you would feel or where your heart would be if it is real love. The bible doesn't ever say love is a feeling though, come to think of it. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails. I don't particularly like how more than half of those are what love isn't. I don't want to know what it's not like, I want to know what it is. Is it not selfless to give of your time and heart and life to see another person see the heart of the Father in a new way? Why is that tainted? Can you ever even do anything that is not tainted? If we can't, then how is God ever going to have his way in any situation? I think I'd kill us too. It makes me sick thinking about it. If helping someone is just as tainted and Godless as hurting them, why even bother helping them? How can God use us, we are so vile.

What does God want, and what are we realistically capable of inside of ourselves ? I believe God for big picture stuff, but for some reason right now I can't believe in the purification of any one person. We can't live pure, right? I mean, sooner or later we are going to mess something up and taint whatever God wants to do through us. Why does he use us still, knowing we are going to somehow ruin what he is doing? Why are we all so broken? I used to think being broken without being fixed was a bad thing, but what is it to be poor in spirit? How long must you mourn before you are comforted? Is that a lifestyle? Is it the kind of lifestyle God wants? Why is the line between that and agreeing with the enemy so thin? I am going to look this stuff up in my concordance tomorrow but I am tired.

"Fortunate, receiving God's favor, good, happy and blessed are those who are of few resources, who are culturally considered oppressed, despised and miserable, who are not lacking in spirit but have the positive moral quality of humility, realizing they have nothing to offer God, but are in need of free gifts in their spirit, heart, mind and the immaterial part of the inner person that can respond to God, for theirs is the harmless rash of YAHWEH, the one true God who exsists and causes exsistance, whom they have personal or covenant relationship with who strengthens and builds a base and mast for them." Thats prettymuch what my concordance says for mt. 5:3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Most of it makes sense, but I can't for the life of me find out what a "harmless rash" really means from the Hebrew. Webster says harmless means: "Not causing or incapable of causing harm. Not intended to harm or offend; inoffensive. Free from loss or legal liability. Not producing any toxic effects. Not threatening to life or health." Rash is: "Characterized by or resulting from ill-considered haste or boldness. Quick in producing a strong or marked effect." So apperently "kingdom" in this sense means to in a very hasty or bold way produce a strong marked effect not intended to and downright incapable of causing harm, offending, producing toxic effects, or threatening life or health. Hmm. I am having a hard time grasping this. so this is the kingdom...is the character of God the Kingdom? I am so confused as to how to put this together. It doesn't seem to fit there. If you are poor in spirit...you end up with this, the character of God because of his favor on you? hmm. Then I go back to the whole no one's capable of perfection thing and then it makes less sense then it already did.

Ok. Enough of me being cynical, I need to see this how God sees it. So do you, before I kick you. Quit being so cynical. There is balance. Of course we can't be perfect, and of course we can't do everything that God wants us to in the way that he wants all the time. That's why there is grace. We are capable of doing pure things, when we live in the new man it's not really us that live but him in us. Maybe we can't do it for long spurts of time, but like everything else, you get better as you practice. You can't just say that eventually you will screw something up and/or taint it and so just not try for it. For those few moments that you choose to walk in the new man God is changing others and He is changing you. It gets easier to stay there longer the more times you attempt it. I'm not done yet. I hope you read this.