i wish you all

liked him. knew him. anything close to either of those would be nice, you know. it saddens me to hear your opinions based on thirty-eight second conversations about nothing. especially if you were antagonizing him. then you say "as an adult he should be well equipped to overcome such statements" thats not a particularly adult thing to say either. how can you be so quick to judge? why don't you trust my judgment even? you know i'm smart, and i don't just go on whims-most of the time. and if this were on a whim, don't you think it would be over by now?

are you sure you're not just being selfish? wanting me back and laying your opinions out there over and over again about how there is nothing out here for me, and everything for me over there? i have the right to make my own life decisions, and i should have the support of my friends. its not sin, so why do you relay it back to me in a way to make it sound like i'm being childish and wasting my life? i don't do that to you, any of you. you do what you want, and i support you in it because i believe your desires are important and valid, even if i wouldn't choose them for myself or don't understand them. you should be happy for me, instead you just make me feel bad, sometimes even guilty, but i am NOT guilty of anything. man, so i don't have it all figured out, i'm not pursuing some snazzy degree, making money, with some millionaire/lead guitarist or whatever you want. but i am learning how to function in the world, and how to say "enough" and discovering what i want and trying to make realistic goals of how to get there. i just want to love and please God, and be with someone who wants the same. i don't want to sit in portland the rest of my life and do nothing. i love it there, and i love you all, but i love God, and i love people and places, and architecture and history, and love. i want to travel and minister to people, show them the love of Christ, see where Christ was, get greater understanding and appreciation. i know i'm not doing a whole lot of that now, but God will make me bold, he will make me strong, he will make a way. God always gets his will.

the point is, i'm hurt that i don't have your support, all i have are your opinions, which don't line up with my own.

he is good to me, you know. he is a gentleman, he watches his mouth, walks me to my car, and is respectful of my body and purity. he steals my heart when he is protective of me and my reputation. he is so sweet, he tells me how he feels about me, tells me of my beauty, and even so, where my real worth comes from, or at least, who it comes from. he loves the Lord his God, and does all he knows to, to please and serve him. i can't tell you how much i admire that, it breaks my heart sometimes, because i don't often see that in people anymore. he wants to know God and God's truth so bad, it stirs me to be more passionate. sometimes he is strange, but all the more mysterious and enticing because of it. his mind works differently than mine. he has a wealth of information stored up, sometimes it leaks out and i learn, sometimes it eats at him and i am moved to compassion, sometimes it shows itself through his actions, so different from my own, and i begin to see certain things differently than i knew how before. true, sometimes he is awkward, sometimes aggravated, unhappy, cynical, sometimes he even needs alone time, ooooooooo its not the end of the world though, i can handle it, and if we have good communication and are open to one another still during those times, why are they bad? everyone has those feelings sometimes. don't pass judgment, it isn't fair, and much less is it accurate.

hoohaa

i love reading my old blogs. i think i've mellowed out a bit...and i'm not quite sure i like that, but maybe its just me "growing up"? nah, i think it's mostly just because i never write anything anymore. but guess who??? it's mine and jef's 6 month anniverser today!!!! i'm sure everyone is jumping up and down and wetting their pantalonies and all that, but hey, i'm excited, so don't be a poopsnack. i think my verymostfavorite quote from my past blogs having to do with jef (out of those i read in the last 15 minutes) was "Ok. Enough of me being cynical, I need to see this how God sees it. So do you, before I kick you. Quit being so cynical. There is balance." and the rest of that paragraph from june of last year (towards the bottom). haha, i crack myself up. i miss my violent tendancies. im sure all of you do as well. hark ye, worry not, i shall strike again. i really don't have time for this right now. i am shaking my hiney off cause my roommate likes air conditioning. i mean, who in their right mind actually likes air conditioning in the middle of june no less. ps(h)ycos. i tell ya. and i have a daaaaaaaate tomorrow :D sho happy... and guess who with?? thats right, my squishmonkey :D i just made that one up. its quite sad really. i have been dreadfully uncreative in coming up for names for him. i think i was put off at one point years and years ago when he told me he was not attracted to his own cheeks, and due to this information, as badly as i wanted to, i stopped myself from calling him "sweetcheeks" and thus abruptly put an end to my creative abilities. until today MUUUAAAAHAHAHAHA! squishmonkey it is, and you know it not yet :P tomorrow you shall find out in public and slink your head back into your shirt like a turtle due to embarrassment. don't worry, its good for you. plus i'm sure you'll actually be relieved. i probably will too. well, for futures sake, so i remember my life: i currently live with melanie, and have since february, work at peets again to prove to myself and the world that in the buissness setting i am really not a "high risk individual" and despite my extreme lack of money (even after my newly found hobby of dumpster diving and discretely selling my treasures) i am off to the land of my youth for a week of delirium involving my whole family and lots of rahal as she prepares to be a wifey. i need sleep. the end. ps, nix that thing i said about "mellowing out" i definitely was right the second time.