I am mistakable

So last I almost burned Brandon's apartment complex down. I prettymuch figured I am not safe for human contact...I am probably the most clumbsy person I know. It sucks. Everywhere I go I break something, or almost break it and somehow twirl and whirl around in the right clumbsy way to save it, or I hurt someone on accident, or I spill something, or I trip myself, or something else I forgot to mention. Those are just my common mistakes. Anyway, Brandon got a box of goodies for Christmas from his buddies in Oklahoma and in it was a flying monkey. He is cute. Once that night I had already stuck my fingers in his handpits and let him rip...I ad been aiming for Brandon, but unfortunately I gave the poor thing braindamage and almost totaled the window. Then I was on the phone with my beloved Rahal, and Brandon was making a video with his soul mate of a black hunk of a phone, and he threw the screaming monkey at me. I wigged out in a playful energetic way and attempted to catapulte the thing back towards Brandon, but missed horribly and knocked over the one flaming candle in the whole stinking house...don't ask me how my luck is that good it just is. It spilled all over the counter and landed on the cardboard box the monkey and goodies came in. Luckily Brandon was there to save the day and he was thinking on his feet. He blew it out imediately...the complex doesn't know it, but he is a hero. Somehow I managed to knock the cookies on the floor too when I was cleaning up my wax puddles...I just shoved em off. Good thing *someone* was thinking far enough ahead to put the lid on before I did that so they didn't go everywhere. I am being watched out for. It's comforting.

Christmas was good, amazingly my mom didn't really freak out the whole day till my sister left the straightning iron out to cool for 20 minutes in the bathroom, she got a bit flustered but not too bad. It was interesting and long as usual. I got a guitar stand and a gift certificate to guitar center :) so I get to go choose a guitar in Denver when I get there...I am leaving to colorado on January 12th and I will miss you all. I am going to try to sell my carbefore then so I don't have to make payments or deal with insurance while I'm there, so if you know anyone who wants to pay me like 9 grand for it tell them (or me).

7 day mark...oh crap!

k guys...so nothing new is really happening in my life, other then I have had weird dreams lately, but thats not out of the norm for me. I just figured its been a week since I wrote my last blog so it must be time for a new one. Anywho, I drempt that I was in prison but it was like a sleepover cause we were all girls and we all had sleeping bags and we were all supposed to be wearing pink pajama pants. I don't know where I was when they made that rule...but somehow I found myself with pants that were not pink and was desperately trying to hide the non-pinkness from the the prison guards because I didn't want to get thrown out of prison?? I mean was that a weird dream or what...I had a disturbing dream last night about on older man who had a crush on me but I was just trying to save all the little children. It took place at my dad's old house. I have a lot a lot a lot of dreams at his old house and we moved out of there when I was eleven...hmm. Not sure. I forgot all my other dreams atm.

Yeah so this is a short post but I don't want to tell you all the crap that is going on right now. I was stressed for multiple reasons and they are all taken care of now because God is good. Its tomorrow now and everything is fine and people don't suck and infact I love them all and I am sorry for being dumb when I wrotet this part of the post earlier...

mmhmm Colorado

Queso...I took an hour this morning typing out a post on my whole entire trip to Colorado. Somehow, my computer became unplugged without my knowledge and after a while it shut itself down because my battery sucks. I was extremely aggravated because when I logged back on my whole post was gone, and normally my computer will bring the pages back up when you plug it back in...something fishy went on as far as I could tell, but regardless of the idea I had this morning to never write a blog again due to that aggravating situation, here I am for your entertainment writing a blog probably of equal length as the unsaved one this morning. Btw, if any of you know how I can save a blog as I write, that info would be greatly appreciated.

As for the trip, I can't remember how I wrote it this morning, but it was fairly backwards. It’s never fun to write the same thing twice, and I am better at just letting it flow anyway, so here I go. Enjoy my rambling.

The flight there was ok...I booked for first class, because I thought that is what my mom told me always to do...however, she forgot to tell me that it's ten bucks more...so I changed my booking to coach. The guys I sat next didn't say a word to me the whole entire flight. I had the window seat, but by the time I got there one of the guys was already sitting there, so I figured I wouldn't put up a fuss and I'd just let him have it. I sat in the middle, both of the guys were working on their laptops prettymuch the whole time, and used both of my armrests...now I know I'm not large or anything, but it would really have been nice to use at least one of my own armrests...that was one of the most uneventful flights I can remember, oh! Save the half hour of it where "My Name is Earl" was on. That was pretty cool. I had no idea that was an ABC show, I thought it was just a little low income show of some sort that Brandon and Justin accidentally stumbled upon on the internet...I guess I was wrong though. Sometimes I think I get dumber if I don't watch TV. I never know what’s going on in the world if I don't.

Anywho, my flight got in at about six, and my aunt and I walked past each other a few times before we saw each other...then we moseyed on outside into prettymuch the coldest weather ever...about 4 degrees or so, and went to the gas station. I froze my dang hiney off as I learned how to pump gas...I thought that would be an exciting experience, but for those of you Oregonians who have the same misconception I did, I have to let you know it really wasn't that fulfilling. I actually was highly unfond of having to stand out in the freezingness and wait for the stupid thing to stop. Its hard to top it off...you can't get it really to the exact amount you want. When we got to their house it was about 7:30 and the boys hid for about point zero five three seconds before colliding with me at the front door. They were excited to see me and they immediately took me back into one of their bedrooms to show me an accomplishment of theirs. They had built a Lego house, like we used to do in the olden days, except when they were done they realized they had forgotten the door...so they decided that the Lego house was actually a secret mad scientist layer that their mad scientist Lego men had been stuck in for the previous two years trying to invent creative ways to escape. Even though there was no ceiling, apparently there were invisible walls that went up two hundred feet in the air that the Lego men could not climb, so regardless of the fact that to the naked eye it looked like escaping was a synch, in all reality there was no way. Legos are amazing. Amen.

They went to bed and my aunt gave me the hookup with her amazing wireless internet. Her and my Uncle went to bed around ten, and I stayed up with my sweet hookup on the net way past midnight. I attempted to cuddle with their abnormally large gaseous Boston Terrier Jasper, but at a certain point the stench of his heiny outweighed the benefit of having something to cuddle with and I had to shove him out. This was the night of my NDE, which really wasn't that bad, and no there was no way I could have dies from it, but I am telling you it was very scary. Apparently according to my mother it was "a rare form of Hypoxia" which sounds quite ominous, so I decided I would let you know what her diagnosis was, since it makes it sound so scary.

Friday morning I woke up at about eleven, and my aunt gave me a tour of the town and we talked out the details of what my life and responsibilities would be like if I decided to take the position. We got back home at half past three, around the same time the boys did. We played around a bit and after dinner we played a few games of "greedy", a dice game at which I apparently am the suckiest person ever. Perhaps its not my fault though, because every time I went to role Kristjan would chant some form of Hawaiian word curse over me...at one point Nic started chanting "lama lama lama over everyone though, and apparently that was a good luck chant granting multiple sixes every time it was chanted...it was fun, but I lost miserably. Once they went to bed I was bored out of my mind again, and I got on the internet and tried to entertain myself.

The next morning, I didn't get up till almost noon. I got ready and my aunt took me out to lunch. After that we went to a craft show that reminded me of Saturday Market, only smaller and a bit more upscale. That night was the so-called soccer party. We went to prettymuch the richest people I have ever met thus far in my life's house. The children were sent to the basement to play while the adults enjoyed plenty of adult beverages and awkward small talk. I was a bit uneasy at first, but after people had "loosened up" a bit they all seemed really nice and although I didn't pipe up much, I listened to a few interesting conversations, mostly on plane mechanics, airline procedures and patent laws. We arrived at around six, and finally at ten the "soccer meeting" part of the evening began. I have never seen so many "civilized adults" squirm in their chairs like small children having to pee, "waiting" their turn to share their "opinion" in such boisterous, threatening ways. One moment they were all friends and the next they were about ready for WWF because of things dealing with the board and U8 and U9 and Steiner’s and boys and girls and less than fifty and more then a hundred and somewhere around seventy five and coed and snow and two days a week and three days a week and coaches for the coaches and Dan Rather or someone. I have no idea what on earth they were talking about, but every time one of the above words/phrases was mentioned, someone almost committed suicide or murder. At around eleven the children were called up from downstairs to sing countless numbers of less then well practiced Christmas songs before they were allowed to open all of their millions of presents. Finally we left. That was an interesting night...or not so interesting.

Sunday we visited a church in Genesee, which is about twenty minutes from my aunt’s house. My aunt is Lutheran, and she informed me that the service we attended was more Lutheran then her church...I am not sure how I feel about that. Now I have nothing against the Lutherans, but there is something about the mix of that the shear hugeness of the church and the "hipness" that the church body seemed to portray that didn't really entice me. I liked the sermon, and the Pastor definitely isn't afraid of offending the body, which I admire him for, but we went to third service, and I could definitely tell that it was the third time the man had been emotional about the same subject in the past day or so. I will probably go check it out again, and they have a college group so I will call the pastor dude and see what that’s all about. I think the hardest part for me is going to be making friends. So, if y'all could pray that God leads me to a good group of people, or even if you could inform me of a neat church somewhere west of Denver, it would be much appreciated. Thawnk yah.

Btw, I guess the point of this post was probably supposed to be letting you in on what my decision was, and I am fairly sure the answer is...dun dun dun...I am moving to Colorado. It seems like a good sitch, the kids like me, they aren't brats, lots of good stuffs can happen there. I am planning on leaving somewhere around the twelfth of January and I will be back probably at the end of the summer, but perhaps the beginning of summer if my life sucks.

I almost died...

So...I'm in Colorado at the moment. Yes, yes I am. No, I haven't moved here yet, but I am scoping it out till sunday to see if true potential lies here. So far it's looking good. All the stuffs seem to be lining up, except what happened last night. That was not my favorite experience. Denver is the "mile high" city, and they live about 800ft above that, so we are in some fricken thin air. I was doing good ever since I got in last night around 6pm, a lot better then the last time I was out here where I had a headache for 3 days straight. Ussually you get a really bad headache and way tired cause your body isn't getting enough oxygen. This morning about 5:30 or so I got up and went upstairs to get a glass of water. Once I reached the top of the stairs I felt very lightheaded, the feeling you get when you stand up to fast...and your vision goes all black and spotty. I sat down on the stairs for about two minutes trying to sit it off or something, but it only depleted a little. I got up very slowly and walked into the kitchen to the cup cabinet, about 15 feet from where I was, but I started getting way worse, to the point where I couldn't see anything, and I started to fall over. I caught myself and proceeded to sit on the floor and try not to move and overstress myelf, but I wasn't getting any better. It scared the crap out of me because every other time that has ever happened it had been for about 10 or 15 seconds at the most, but already this was about 3 minutes. I didnt know what to do because everyone else was sleeping, and I couldn't walk up more stairs and wake them, or yell for help because I could hardly breath. I concentrated on breathing very deep and trying to keep it at a steady pace. my feet get really cold, and my lips started to get very cold and almost numb too. The breathing helped enough to the point where I could stand up and get a glass of water, which was really hard for me to swallow. I stood still for probably another 3 minutes before attempting to go back downstairs, on which I almost fell again. I made it back to my bed and lied down, not before turning on the light to see if I looked like death or if there was still blood in my face. Mostly there wasn't, and I probably looked better then I did the few minutes before I could get used to the light enough to see myself. I layed down scared poopless that if I went to sleep I was going to get even less oxygen cause you breath shallow when you sleep, and I was deathly afraid that I may at some point get brain damage from blacking out. If I blacked out I don't know how long you can stay that way without having permenant damage done to yourself, or even if that could happen at all. As far as I was concerned that was the closest thing to death I have felt, at least as far as I can remember at this point. Hopefully that won't happen again. I still feel a little light headed, but I think I'm fine. Thanks for the concern, heh. Maybe that doesn't sound so scary to you, but seriously now, being in a strange place by yourself and not being able to breath, see, or stand on your own strength makes you feel extremely helpless and I thought for sure it was gonna keep getting worse and I was gonna black out and get brain damage or go into shock or something...

Anyway, I had prettymuch decided that I was going to go with the kids program until last sunday at the Kershaw factory sale. My dad called me while we were there, and he asked if I had given any real concideration to going. I said "yeah, but..." and he proceeded to tell me that it would still be a good idea reguardless and fill me in on details I didn't know of. Here's the rest of the story: I get to live here for free, with free use of a vehicle. They will give me free reign over decoration of the house, so I can get practice being an interior designer, and I get my very own room and bathroom. I only will have to work about 4 days a week, and I have the ability to get another job during the day if I want. And I can even go home a week every two months. Also I can go with my aunt probably twice to wherever I want. She flies international so I can go to China, Germany, Japan, or Australia...ooo. And even with all the benefits she still will pay me a grand a month...tax free!

They found a church that they think I will like, and if I don't they said I can wander around for one as much as I want. The kids already love me, and they want me to be the one that they hire. There is a drama club or something that they said I could get involved in if I want. They don't care how long I stay as long as I give a month notice before I leave. So at this point I'm thinking of moving here until the end of August. I don't have to start work until January 9th or 20th, so I got a while. However, if I want to come out the first week of January, they are taking a family vacation to China and they said I am more then welcome to come. I'm not sure about that part but its not out of the question. So I will see you all when I get back to P-town and hopefully I will have some good pics to show you.

Btw, I want to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, so y'all better not go without me!!!

Help me some more though...

Guys...*tear* but I miss you already :( I don't know if I could handle the separation of leaving to a whole nother state...and it doesn't help that my mom through a control fit this morning and attacked the crap outta my ability to do anything halfway decent. She told me I can never stick to anything and since now at Peet's their telling me I can be rehired I should just go for it...and she said that the PKI thing seems "sketchy" and somehow she rationalized that I would actually be hindering the kids if I did the program cause I am not a well trained professional or the kids' parent. Plus she thinks that PKI is embezzling or some crap like that cause she doesn't understand how I can get paid.

She thinks moving would be dumb because I don't know if I'm gonna like it and in her mind it doesn't fit with "my life plan" whatever the crap that is, cause as far as I knew I didn't have one. She also thinks I would be supporting my aunt in not taking care of her own children, which I don't approve of. It's true that I believe people should take care of their own families, but hi, I am definitely family, I am not daycare, and my aunt and uncle aren't going to be gone all the time. My cousins are 10 and 7, my aunt and uncle are both pilots, and its not like she didn't do the SAME EXACT THING by leaving to be a flight attendant when I was 9. She was never home and didn't seem to have a problem with it, so I don't know why she is attacking me and my aunt and uncle for it...sounds a bit hypocritical to me, but what do I know.

Yes, I want to move to Colorado, but I don't know if that's really something I should be doing right now, especially under that circumstance. I feel like it's supposed to be a long term thing that God is going to use me throughwhen I do go, and in what way I don't know, but I'm just not sure if this is it. It's not like I would just be able to do whatever I wanted, my number one obligation would be to nannying the boys, which I would love, but its not a set schedule. My aunt and uncle could potentially both be gone for 4 or so days at a time, that's a lot of responsibility.

My aunt and uncle are Lutheran, so its definitely a plus that they are saved, but I don't know if I could go to their church or if there would really be anyone there that I could connect with, and even if I did, I would potentially have to take care of the boys every time I wanted to do something with those people. Yeah I would get paid for taking care of them, but I need to do something social sometimes, so it would suck not being able to have another job or any way to meet people. I also don't know where the nearest school is, or even if I could register for the classes I want next term at this point. I was looking at various community college tuition rates in Colorado for out of state students, and they are RIDICULOUSLY high, so that's almost not even an option and I feel such a burden to go back to school, but now I'm almost questioning that. I'm not just questioning because of this opportunity, but also because of the PKI thing, and I just don't know if I could help people in the way my heart wants to reach out by doing interior design. I know I could just end up doing that part time for $ and have the rest of my life be dedicated to helping people, and that's pretty much what I believe at this point and am holding on to, but there is always a chance that I am completely wrong. Maybe I should be going to school for something haveing to do with children? Social work? Some kind of counciling? Maybe God's trying to tell me I don't need to at all even? I don't know though, I'm just trying to look at both sides.

As far as the plans I have set up right now, Lori from PKI is gonna call me tomorrow to let me know what Bob said about whether or not they should hire me for her position in January. I want to do it, but again, there seem to be some downfalls. I have experience with the kids, yes, but not really very much of it. I love them all to death, but that doesn't mean I'm highly skilled. I know I've only had the job for 4 days, but really there are some situations that have come up that I don't know how to handle. As far as "helping them with their homework without telling them the answers" it's definitely harder then it sounds. As many times as I thought when I was a kid, "I'm never going to grow up to forget what its like to be/think like a kid" I definitely have grown up to do just that. There is a lot of responsibility involved that I may not be prepared for. If a kid leaves with the wrong person after the homework club and something happens, its all my fault...I don't know what I would do if that happened, plus I would probably blame myself for all the worlds problems and become a mourning hermit for the rest of my life. Also, Saturday kids church...its fun, and we teach them about God, but some of it is really lame. Half of the time I don't feel like they are being taught anything of real importance, and I don't really know how to teach children about the deep things of the Spirit, regardless of the fact that it is SOOO my desire to do so. And I'm supposed to be funny...I mean I know I can knock some laughs outta you, but they are so hard to penetrate sometimes...little snots...I could get the hang of it, it would just be awkward. Trying to keep the attention of thirty kids, ages five to ten, is really not that easy just in case you were wondering. The other crappy thing about it is that its on Saturdays...Church starts at 11:30, and the kids church is from 3:30-7 or so. They are thinking about moving it to Sundays, which would be way better. I want to start going to Church there though if I am going to be that involved, so no I can't just sleep till 2:30. I definately don't want to give up the DHOP stuff though, that is really one of my favorite parts of my life right now. I love learning my guitar and hanging out and worshiping till the wee (or full, come to think of it) hours of the mourning. As for now my weekend sleep pattern is lacking in rationalism of any kind...

But then again Peet's isn't totally out of the question. I miss them tons, they freakin NEED my help RIGHT now, and I could figure out some way to work there and still at the kids program--it just wouldn't be all the time or administrative in any way. I could work around my school schedule just as well as I can by just doing the kids program, but I could also get days off way easier then I could there, considering it wouldn't be administrative in any way. Thanks a bundle to those of you who actually take the time to read my crap, and perhaps even give some serious thought and prayer to what I should do. I appreciate the advice and the inquiring before the Lord on my behalf...I love you all so much it's not even funny.