Help me with my poor decision making skills

Well now...aren't you in for a surprise or seven! I've had possibly life altering offers streaming to me for the last few days and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. Just to remind you, Peet's management has been running me through the system up, down, backwards, sideways...and any other way they could think of. The kept giving me different stories, making me mourn the loss of my beloved position in the company, only to tell me yesterday that they were wrong every time. Apparently the true story is that I can be rehired at any Peet's location, including Bridgeport, at any time...no waiting period! Now you may be rejoicing at this fact, and I assure you I was dancing a delightful/victorious jig on the inside when the news was announced to me, and even the rest of the day I was bursting at the seems with excitement because of the victory I felt. However, it probably would have been more helpful information about 2 weeks ago when I began my search for employment, and was free of any other obligations or unimaginable cool alternative proposals. I am at a standstill. I have no idea what to do. I have been making such a fuss about getting back to Peet's every day of my life for the last three weeks, but now it really seems like the least exciting option I have...I am not saying anything bad about Peet's though, take not of that. My loyalty to them will forever remain, and everyone that I worked with and the superior product we created, and really just the company itself I still hold in the highest regards. I desperately miss the teamwork involved, the act of creating each piece of delectable art that I did, interacting with and serving the customers, and the sense of accomplishment and pride all us employees shared at the end of a busy day, but now I'm wondering since I've "been there, done that" if it's not just time to move on?

As of this last Monday, I am employed with Portland Kids International as an after school teacher's aide at Marcus Whitman Elementary. I work with 1st-3rd graders in the "homework club". For those of you who know Ben, you might have heard of this organization before. He worked for them and went to their church while he lived here. PKI also has kids camp during the summer, where Ben had invited me to volunteer. I did, and got connected, and that's where we know Chaz from too for those of you who were wondering. Anyway, they are always in need of people, and Chaz, Lori, Bob and Bev have all asked me at various points to come back and work with them so finally I decided it was the right move. I started on Monday and was a little shy at first, but many of the kids recognize me and remember my name already, and finally today I started really getting more comfortable at it. The first day a lot of the kids tried to pretend like they didn't know what they were doing. Naturally, it being "homework club" and all, they are supposed to work on there homework, and naturally, them being kids and all they don't want to. At first I didn't know how to handle those situations, then yesterday, my biggest problem was physical. There has been a lot going on over the years concerning whether or not teachers can touch children at all...the thing is, I am not the kind of person who can refrain from showing physical attention, especially to children who you can tell don't get enough of it at home or anywhere else. I know I'm not conceited and you should to, so I'm going to tell you all that I'm a very compassionate person, and I just can't hold it back from them. It reminds me of a verse in Hosea where God is saying that all his compassion is aroused...I can't see them and not have compassion, its just flat out not possible, especially for me. Even the annoying kids, I still want so badly to figure out why they act so shady...what on earth happened to them to make them react that way to a person who hasn't even been harsh on them? Why is there so much fear there? It makes me so mad and I just want to go fight off all their oppressors and pick them up and bring them into the fullness of the love of Christ. And for the little girls, I want each and every one of them to experience the worth that they have in Christ, their beauty in Him, I want them all to see themselves how he sees them...I could go on and on about this alone, but essentially the point is that I love this job and there is no way I want to leave it. As much as I felt success at Peet's, it's ten times more here. I love all the people I worked with at Peet's, and I know God has huge things He wants to do in their lives, but these kids are so important, and the whole entire point of this job is to get a hold of them and steer them and direct them, and they are amazingly receptive to it.

That all being said, here are the first two options I have: I can keep the job at PKI, and end up working probably only three or four days a week while also working part time at Peet's, or I can ditch the whole "making a come back at the time when they need a savior" thing and keep working for only PKI. As of right now, pay sucks because it only equates to about 15hours a week...but here's the thing, in early January, Lori, the gal who heads it up is leaving...and they need someone to fill her position. They have a person, but she doesn't even come on a regular basis, she is super quite, and doesn't really know how to handle the kids. This position would consist of the same hours I work right now, but would also include flexible hours to take care of some office work, and I would actually be the one responsible for making sure the whole thing runs smoothly. Oh, bonus: its salary pay...that definitely can't hurt me. However, the position doesn't start till January, and I am prettymuch dead broke...

Now, if you think you have it figured out, let me throw a wrench into it. If you can think back real hard, you may recall at least one of the four-hundred twenty-seven times I burst at the seams with love and awe for Colorado...do you remember that? It hasn't been that long ago...it's been fairly ongoing for the past three or four years. I had a chance to go this summer and I didn't take it, reason being I just started my job at Peet's. Well, I got a call from my aunt who lives in Evergreen Colorado tonight...her husband has been called back to work in January (he got furloughed from United a while back) my dad told her I got fired, and she offered for me to come live with her! Her and her husband have two boys, ages seven and ten, very intelligent/know how to have fun type kids. She was wondering if I was interested in prettymuch nannying them whenever they are gone...that means I get to live in their EXTREMELY nice three story house, in COLORADO for free (not my mom's house, definitely a +), get paid a MOTHERLOAD, go to school during the day, and care for the boys whenever they aren't at school when her and my uncle are both out of town...it sounds like an EXTREMELY sweet deal to me...the only thing is that, well, it is in Colorado, and that is not exactly close to most of you. The things that are making this decision hard are the DHOP, my PKI job, the fact that I finally figured out what I want to do for school, registered, and was really excited about going to PCC since its so dang big, and the fact that I would miss all my friends and the people I just started getting to know (no offense, you know who you are, you are my friends, I just don't know you very well and I would like to get to know you better since your so dang cool and different and whatnot all at the same time).

Anywho...I am struggling with this decision...all three have their positives and negatives. It would be nice to do something different, you know, get away, but I'm wondering if I just like it cause it sounds so novel. Peet's is a safe bet, and my mom would probably be miffed if I didn't pursue it, and that’s not a good reason to go back I know, but I do really have a heart for all the people I worked with, we were really like a family and I miss that atmosphere so much. I'm not sure what Colorado has in the way of HOPs so that might not be too cool...also not sure what exactly the school sitch looks like out there...plus I definitely need some dang friends that are my age, and not to be biased or anything, but I prettymuch prefer the friends I already have. I'm sure there's cool people other places in the world, but maybe like Brandon and Justin they are supposed to just flock here to me...(lol, I know that’s not true, but it's worth a try). I know I'm supposed to go to Colorado sometime, but maybe it's just not now...? Help...

Thanks

Well it’s been a few days since I let you in on the details, so I thought I'd speak up. Wednesday I went back into Peet's to talk to my manager since she was unreachable via the phone no matter how hard I tried. I saw Chelsea and Justin, two of my verymost favorite people and I started crying again. I hate that, I go in with confidence that I am totally composed; having control over myself and being professional, and then I can't hold it worth crap. Chelsea was my best friend there and I haven't talked to her since I left the premises my last day. Anyway, Jeanine came out on her way to the bank, and very casually informed me that I can never get hired at any location ever again, EVER. That was shocking cause it was completely different from what I heard from my assistant manager two days prior. She left, and John the district manager happened to be there, so he came out and talked to me. He told me the same thing she did, but with a little spin. He said I can get rehired if they don't check my references, but that’s never supposed to happen and if they do check, then I can't. He said no one would get in trouble for not checking, but then if some strange series of events happened then someone else may have the potential to get fired, or I may just be fired again. Then he said he wasn't sure if there was a loophole anywhere in the system, or if there may be lesser consequences because of the fact that my violation was merely tardiness and not something like stealing or threatening to violently murder people. Then Char (a customer) came in--she's my backup woman from Brooklyn. She said that she had called HR and that they told her everything was up to my manager Jeanine...she could rehire me if she wanted or she could give another store the go ahead to rehire me...so I am definitely confused beyond belief. Justin is a shift lead so he has lots of "sway" with the management, and now we have a dealio that he's gonna cry for me :) I love that kid. He's awesome and I don't think he knows it, or if he does, he thinks he’s awesome for a completely different reason than he actually is. Anhywho, I guess 2 other people have gotten fired there for the same reason I have, so my chances maybe aren't lookin so hot, cause then they'd have to do the same thing for the others too.

I would like to say sorry for what I said about my mom and how I made her look by that. I love my mom very much, so please forgive me for making her look bad and embelishing the story.

Well, today, if there is any of it left by the time I am done doing this...I have to go do some things at PCC, wash my sheets cause they smell like smoke now since I didn't shower last night, and then its off to the DHOP meeting...

My dear Peet

My interview sucked yesterday, mostly cause it never happened. I got there and the receptionist said they weren't hiring...? I know it wasn't the wrong place because really now, how many "Julie's Travel Agency at 525 SW 1st street in downtown Lake Oswego across the street Rite Aid and Lacey's bar & grill"'s could there possibly be? I spent a lot of dang time preparing for that. Jerks. Anyway, after that I went back to my beloved Peet's to check up and see whether or not I could be rehired because they haven't been able to come up with that information yet. Seems I can now, just not at that one, and I guess its gonna take a lot of work on the part of all the managers involved to convince HR that I'm actually worth it. Hopefully that works out. There was a customer in there today and she saw me and asked why I didn't work there anymore so I told her I was fired. She’s an Italian from Brooklyn so she is really loud and she started getting all upset about how they broke up “the family” and how she is so displeased...she got like 3 people's phone numbers and she’s gonna go all out today complaining to anyone who will listen about how they need to have me back. She's so funny...I'll have to impersonate her sometime when someone is watching. That was so sweet of her, and I started crying cause I want my job back. All the people that I worked with the most were there today. Cory, “Bridgeport’s Gay token” as he so lovingly refers to himself as started crying and told me he missed me. He's so sweet and can't wait till he gets saved. That's why I miss it so much, cause all of them are so special and I can see the hand of God on them and I hate not being able to be around them and spead the love/light at least a little. I want so bad for God to come and break them...I hate not being able to watch it.

So if you haven't figured it out, I don't think I want an office job anymore. I'm gonna pursue the Peet's thing, and maybe the afterschool program with PKI (the people Ben worked for/the summer camp) cause they are in desperate need. The only thing is its all the way on the east side of town 5 days a week only 3 hours a day...I don't know if that would actually create cash flow. I love all the PKI people and kids, but I still need some dollars to make my car payment and rent.

Un-stress-ed

So...Monday I have an interview. I hope all goes well...I am not sure what the company is called, and I forgot what kind of company it is, but it’s some bussinessy thing. I would be a receptionist, and it would be downtown LO, so not to far from home. It’s part time, and in the summer would be full time. I am not sure if this is the job for me, but it’s the only freaking interview I have set up so far, and I have applied seven places. Apparently the word is out that I suck. Anywho, I need to get a job this week or I probably won't get my 1st check in time to pay my next car payment. I know that God has it, and I am at whole heck of a lot less stressed then I probably should be, or then I would have been if this happened to me last year. Man, I don't know if any of you remember me like that, but I swear I was gonna give myself at least 4 diseases by the time I was 22 from freakin out and worrying about every dang thing that ever had a chance of happening. It was so good for me that I went to GP because I learned how to trust the Lord so much down there. I had to depend on Him and His timing for everything and He provided so well. I know He has something for me and I can't wait to see how it works out. I am excited to see all of the new people He's gonna bless through me, and who He is gonna bless me though. He's so dang amazing!!!! Wow, k. Oh, and today my mom took me on a freaking shopping spree! She hasn't really bought me a whole lot of anything since I got a job. I think she bought me a pair of shoes and maybe a pair of pants, but today she went all out. I was in desperate need of a winter jacket and she got me one and interview clothes and some other normal clothes. Normally when I go shopping with my mom we get tired of each other real quick, but today we were just so blessed by each other. Sometimes I forget how sweet my mom is and how much she really loves me. I know that just because she buys me stuff doesn't mean she loves me, and say what you want but I am not that materialistic. It was just so sweet of her and she surprised me, and she wasn't buying me stuff just cause she hates all the clothes I have, or just cause she's my mom and she’s somehow obligated, but actually because she loves me and she wanted to bless me and care for me and make sure I was warm and comfy all the cold winter days that I'm not even around her. She was just being a mom and making sure I was fully taken care of and then some. I need to go to bed, I hope you all are doing well, and perhaps I will see each of you again at some point in my life.

Why is good eggnog so hard to find?

I went to safeway today and they only had 3 kinds of eggnog. Lucerne regular, Lucerne light, and the safeway brand which for some reason costs a dollar more then the other brand. I grabbed for the Lucerne regular and I noticed it had expired yesterday. I reached back as far as I could and they had ALL exprired yesterday, so I got the light. Really, it tastes like crap. I'm prettysure they didn't thin it with milk, but with water. Its discusting. I don't know what to do with myself.

On the other hand, I applied for 6 jobs today, and I hope that somebody gives me a ring tomorrow cause I need some cash. The one that I wasnt the most is a wedding photogropher assistant. Its $125 a gig, which is ussually once a week (saturdays, duh) and about 10hrs/week of clerical goodness. My saturdays would be toast, but thats a lot of cash, and I'd get to go to a wedding every week! Other then that I applied for 4 part time receptionist jobs and Tully's Coffee, which now I'm pretty sure is a mistake--they suck. Tomorrow I am going to apply for two more office jobs and another barista position at OHSU, which I think would be very fun.

weed...?

So I had a dream last night, it prettymuch came from the middle of nowhere. I have never smoked pot or anything for that matter, nor have I ever seriously thought about participating in such an action, 1: because I am not stupid, and 2: because my dad made that mistake enough times for the next four generations of our family. Anywho, that doesn't change the fact that I had a dream. I was looking for an apartment to rent driving around in Beaverton near the tj Maxx and pulled into a complex. The next thing I knew there was a lady and her two teen daughters -as white trash as they come- standing next to me. At some point the mother was handing out joints to us all and I just took it and lit er up like no tomorrow. It was like second nature, like I had done it a million times, and what scares me is that I had no conviction what-so-ever about it. I didn't give a rip that we were outside in the middle of a busy parking lot in broad daylight, I was just tokin it up...I couldn't get it fast enough. I sucked as hard and long as I could to make it burn faster cause I wanted it THAT INSTANT OR ELSE! I started feeling a tad woosey when it was about 4/5ths gone, and I didn't want to burn my fingers on the what was left, but I noticed the other ladies thinking it was all good to the last drop or something, so I asked the mum "do you wanna finish this off for me?" and she said sure and snaged it from me like she was gonna morph into a rabbid dog in two point six nanoseconds flat if anyone tried to get it instead of her. I decided I was going to keep my composure and not act like everyone else does when they are high, but my plan failed misserably. We started walking up the stairs towards the street tj Maxx is on, and on my way up I attempted to clasp my hands together like a normal bussiness proposing human being, but I missed and caught a thumb and a pinky. I then looked at my hands to try and figure out what the crap just happened and ended up tripping over my self and falling left, which made me for some reason, unbenounced to me, laugh hyserically. Once inside the store a butler of sorts was being snooty and told us we should go downstairs, we all laughed and followed his orders. I tried on two highly unattractive christmas sweaters and somehow completely forgot to take one off before leaving the store. After a few less memorable events I returned home. My mother showed me an add in the paper for highly unattractive christmas sweaters and went on and on about how I should go try them on at least because they would be adorable on me. I explained to her how I had already tried them on, and unzipping my jacket realized I still had one on, and proclaimed, "Oh...see? It's definately ugly." She asked if I bought it and I said no, I just forgot I had it on. She told me I should take it back, and for some reason I couldn't figure out if I was supposed to just put it back in the store or return it and get the cash...

It bothers me that I was so unconvicted about anything in that dream, it was like I had no morals, no God and no brain. I am not sure if it means anything, I'm thinking no...if anything its just a warning, but at the same time I think its hilarious because it is soooo beyond out of character for me to do anything like that.

My job hunt is sucking. I had a few places for office jobs that I was looking into, but yesterday I went to a seminar for the interior design program at PCC that I am trying to get into and they explained how they can't tell us what the schedual is like, other then they only typically only offer 1 section of each class every term and part are "daytime" and part are "nighttime". That means that I have no idea what time the classes I MUST take next term are going to be, so I don't know when I will be available to work starting January. I am not sure if I can have an office job now, even part time, because a class may fall on a day/time I am schedualed to work, and office jobs aren't flexable like retail. You aren't stupid, so I am sure you could have figured that all out on your own, but I really felt like explaining it. Anywho, if you just wanna pray that God will make it clear what I am supposed to do that would be great. I think at this point I am just going to apply for those 4 jobs tomorrow anyway, another coffee job, and maybe beg for my old job back and see what happens. I need to have a job sometime next week though, or else I stand the chance of my bills backing up...thats never good...plus I am so dang BOARD OUT OF MY MIND and sore from being lazy all day and oversleeping, I need something better to do straight away.

Oh, that I could find a cure and sleep!

Well hello all, and by all I mostly mean me...how are you?

Well I am good. Good and NOT TIRED even though it is 2:30 in the dang morning.

" The reason?" I hear you ask yourself, and by yourself, yes, I do still mean myself.

Well, let me tell you. At the moment I am slightly hungry, but that is not the real reason. The reason began about a week ago. See, I used to be employed by the best coffee & tea shop in all the americas, if not the world, until one day I used a clock with a gimp minute hand to determine the correct time of departure for me to arrive on time to my beloved place of employment. I was too in love with the idea of playing my guitar for one more half hour to even let the thought cross my mind that the clock was bending my perception of reality. I went on my merry way, played my guitar and at what I assumed was the correct time, hop into my car and scooted off towards work with a happy-go-lucky attitued that lasted all of ten minutes.

My assistant manager rang on the cell I hadn't looked at unfortunately all morning, and she informed me that it was ten minutes past my schedualed arrival time. I said no, looked at the clock in my car, and indeed, it was true. I drove extra wrecklessly the rest of the way to work knowing full well it wouldn't make a lick of difference concidering I was already on double probation once for working there less then five hundred hours, and once for a prior gross tardy. I got to work and practically siezured in a concious state for the next hour until my mind cooled down and there were no signs that I was in big poo. My manager was curtious and my co-workers assured me that they couldn't fire me for various reasons that at the time seemed valid, but apperently are scum.

Break time arrived, and as I went back to cool down and gather my thoughts someone follwed me with a suspicious look. My asst. manager sat down and looked me in the eyes and immediately the fear of the strict Peet's Empire gripped my heart once again. She explained how she had talked to my manager and the district manager and that company policy was that I must be suspended until further notice, at which point I would be informed of further highly restrictive probation or dun dun dun...TERMINATION. She went on to explain that I could not clock back on after my break. I started leaking from the eyes and my chin began to quiver. That is probably one of the only shocks in my life that took no time at all to hit me. As soon as the words dropped off her tongue I felt the wieght of my future. I wept for a while, the made the walk of shame through the front door out into the real world. I recieved a great big welcome present *sock*, right when I least expected it. I drove home and pretty much wept bitterly for the next day, until I had a dream that they didn't terminate me. In these days of uncertanty I didn't know whether to look for a job or sit back and relax. At that point I chose to relax, thinking that I would learn extended amounts of humility and responsibility having to walk back in to a building full of *perfect* people who don't do wrong, where I obviously was a lower lifeform. I was satisfied with that prospect until tuesday night when my asst. manager gave me another ring. Decent tone of voice she had, didn't indicate one way or the other what she was about to inform me of. Then the words flowed, "I'm sorry but based on the decision of HR, we are forced to terminate you due to the two gross tardys which demonstrate to Peet's that you are a 'high risk individual' and as a professional company we cannot risk any further complications with you.".

So that night Jamee(my friend who just so happened to get fired the same day as me) and I mourned together and proposed ideas of what to do next until morning arrived upon us, at which point we slept. Since that point last "tuesday night" I have been an insomniac. I simply cannot make myself fall asleep, then somehow sleep until the early afternoon and justify it with the fact that I have nothing to do. I can successfully pay all my bills for one month and five days without a paycheck, whick thoretically gives me about two weeks to start a new job, and I am an extremely talented procrastinator. I would give anything to be going to school this term so I at least had something to do, unfortunately I was too indecisive to determine that before fall term started.

Perhaps I killed enough time creating/writing the blog to fall asleep now. Oh, if you think of it at any point, you could pray that I get a job where the favor of the Lord rests on me and perhaps that I would learn something useful in my walk with Him through this whole ordeal andstop being such a dang mopey pansy. And yes, by you, I probably do still mean just me.

Congradulations, you read it! I promise this will not be the longest blog I write so prepare yourself, you may be jumping into something deep...I still mean me.